Re-ranking Food Mascot Fights

BY: DALTON

 

So, this tweet came along my timeline the other day and it caused quite a stir in my world. While the chart is fairly accurate, there are some issues with it. Here are my rankings of Easiest to Hardest in terms of fighting.

  1. Gerber Baby: Its a fucking baby. I could kick the shit out of 100 of them at once. Light work for me. May use this time to stretch and get ready for tougher opponents
  2. Keebler Elf: Idk if elves can do magic or not, but assuming they cant this is just bizzaro world Gerber Baby. A 2 foot nothing and 11 lbs old man isn’t even gonna leave a scuff on my shoe. And if he does any damage to my clothes, one of his bitch ass sons can make me a new one for Christmas.
  3. Hamburger Helper Hand: This is the first opponent that could actually “hurt” me. If that hand latches around my throat it could give me a little scare, but I just assume its the size of a normal hand so a simple stomp should shatter its bones and life.
  4. Quaker Oats Man: He was ranked far too low. The easiest fight? That’s preposterous because at the end of the day he is a full grown man and will be significantly harder than an elf or a baby.
  5. Sugar Smacks Frog: A frog will never beat me in anything ever. There’s a chance it beats me in a “Most Like A Frog Contest” but even then I like my chances. He could smack me with his tongue, which is pretty gross, but, again, hes a frog.
  6. Jolly Green Giant: Yes, he is a giant. I am aware. But you know what he also is? Jolly. Jolly people don’t/cant fight. Mopping the floor with this green bean eating freak. I probably don’t even have to physically fight him. Just utter a little trash talk and this guy doesn’t know what to do.
  7. Lucky Charms Leprechaun: This is the first opponent where I might lose. Unlike the Keebler Elf, I know this little guy can perform magic. He could transport me to a different dimension and have me fighting in space or some shit. But, just by going off pure size, I should still be a slight favorite.
  8. Pillsbury Dough Boy: The biggest threat from the “Boy” is that he can absorb blows at an astounding rate. Kinda like that Simpsons episode where Homer is a boxer. I may punch and kick long enough that I just die of exhaustion.
  9. Yellow M&M: This dude just ate one of his own species in the latest commercial. I cant compete with that type of crazy.
  10. Bear?: I have no idea what brand this bear represents, but at the end of the day its still a bear. Me vs Bear is the first fight I go in to expecting to lose. If this bear is a black bear though, I have a very tiny chance. But if its a brown bear, plan the funeral yesterday.
  11. Chester Cheeto: This cat is flat out cool. He eats Cheetos and does drugs all day. That type of lifestyle just breeds confidence. I guess it really depends on what type of drugs Chester uses. If I had to guess, I would say that hes a crack or crystal meth guy. At that point, I would just accept my ass beating and beg for mercy.
  12. Red M&M: Remember the cannibalistic yellow one? Who do you think was the brains behind that operation?
  13. Trix Rabbit: This Rabbit will do ANYTHING to get some of that sweet sweet Trix cereal. He would dress in costumes, employ the help of Bugs Bunny, and undoubtedly whoop the ass of anyone who stands in between him and a bowl of sugary breakfast delights.
  14. KFC Colonel: The Colonel has seen some shit in his day. He may also be very tall? I’m not 100% sure but if I had to guess I would assume he is 6’4 and a lean 225. He also dresses sharp and swaggy people are tough to take down i.e. Joseph Stalin.
  15. Burger King King: Hes a king, yes. Kings do king shit. Fact! In order to claim the throne, you gotta kill a few people. I can not, nay, I WILL not get in a ring with a confirmed killer!
  16. Cap’n Crunch: Kind of a combination of the BK King and KFC Colonel. Swaggy and has killed people. Also sprinkle in some of that Lucky Charms magic because how does his cereal stay crunch in milk, Max Kellerman?!?!?
  17. Ronald McDonald: 1. Hes a clown. 2. He is THE clown. 3. How is he in such great shape while being the face of the leading corporation in the WORLD? All these facts point to one thing, he’s the hardest motherfucker out there. You cant get to the top without stepping on all the little people. I am man enough to admit that I am a little person. If I try to fight Ronnie Mac, I will just be another splotch on the bottom of his size 32 shoe.
  18. Mr. Peanut: My father was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. My grandfather was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. My great-grandfather was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. My great-great-grandfather was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. I will not fall victim to the Potocki family curse!
  19. Uncle Ben: Easiest mascot to analyze. He has straight “old man” strength. UB will beat my ass then sit me down and tell me that was because I cheated on an Accelerated Reading test in 4th grade. Not only will he physically beat me down, he will make me feel like I deserved it.
  20. Tony the Tiger: I will not sit here in the eyes of God and claim I can beat a tiger in a fight. I simply will not. No matter what the haters and losers, of which there are many, are claiming, you wont catch me stepping up to that handkerchief-ed feline.
  21. Kool-Aid Man: OH YEA this guy could kick my ass. He is an absolute unit. Mf’er breaks through walls at the drop of a phrase. Anyone who willingly smashes their face through any type of wall, is someone not to be taken lightly. He is aggressive. We can all agree that the red inside him is blood, but the real question is whos blood is it?

Mount Rushmore of Cookout Sides

BY:DALTON

With the 4th of July right around the corner (tomorrow) its time to put out into the blog-sphere the Mount Rushmore of sides. I have to do a Mount Rushmore because I simply cant power rank them. Too much variability from side to side but this is just going off of my consensus. But why sides? Well, the sides at a cookout can make or break the entire event. You could have the best meats in the world but if that potato salad is shit, you’re going to have an awful time. On the reverse though, if the meats are bad but sides are good, you can fill up on sides no problem. There have been many times where I’ve went through the food line once, finished my plate, then went back for only sides. Don’t get me wrong, you cant have a cook out without meats. Cant do it, but the sides are a huge factor. I would say a good cookout is weighed out 50% meats, 40% sides, and 10% drinks. That being said, here’s the Mount Rushmore of cook out sides:

 

POTATO SALAD: An absolute staple. I really dont care about the type of potato salad either. It could be Amish, loaded, redskin, american, mustard-based, or mayo-based. It will always have a spot on my flimsy paper plate and in my heart.

MACARONI SALAD: Similar to the potato salad, it really doesnt matter what variation of this salad is out there as long as it stays loyal to its roots. Macaroni salad can be deep, flavorful, and light all at the same time. If you can get a mayo-based macaroni salad and pair it with a mustard-based potato salad, you may as well be in Heaven.

COLESLAW: This one could take some heat because I know a decent contingent of people, some I would even call friends, that dont like coleslaw. I feel I speak for the sane Americans when I say it is a top tier side. Again, doesnt matter to me if its mayo-based or vinegar-based. I like it all. You can also get a little CRaZy with it and put the slaw on your burger.

CORN (ON THE COB): Any corn here is fine, but on the cob is the most dominant form. Throw some butter on there and youre cooking with absolute gas. The sweeter and juicier the better.  Pro tip: Sprinkle a little garlic salt on the corn after the butter. You wont regret it!

TOUGHEST CUTS: Baked Beans, Watermelon, Grapes, Grilled Veggies

Thursday Twitter Top Ten

BY: DALTON

Hey everyone, I realize the blog has been light so I am just going to do a weekly Twitter ranking. These are the ten best tweets from the last week.

 

10. Mature Franklin

 

9. Our Respectful King

The man is on an absolute missile to the moon. He is blowing up everywhere. He is being added to all types of movies, video games, you name it and hes in it. Also, is a HUGE respecter of women. Wont ever catch MY PRESIDENT slipping.

 

8. Klay Star

I don’t have many rules I live by, but one of them is to always retweet the Klay Thompson x Patrick Star cross over pic. Death, Taxes, Klay Star Retweets.

 

7. Ford Steering Wheel Recall

To understand why this tweet is great, watch this:

 

6. Anne Frank’s Diary

They do say that narratives are everything.

 

5. Bravery

Power Ranking the bravest people in the world: 1. People who manually control CBs in a video game 2. Random cameramen around Richie Incognito 3. Troops 4. People who went into the largest nuclear radiation disaster in history to save millions of innocent lives/this planet

 

4. Hotel Charging

Show me one hotel this doesn’t apply to, I’ll wait.

 

3. Trump and Mars

Started with Trump saying that we should never go to the Moon because we’ve already been there, then he lumped in the Moon and Mars, then just perfect execution of reference and gif out of my brother. This is why Twitter was invented.

 

2. Defensive Backfields

Not only is this tweet the pure truth, the video is moving in to automatic retweet territory. Absolutely love these goofs and their kind-of-good-kind-of-bad dance moves.

 

  1. Chernobyl

 

 

Its been a phenomenal week for tweets involving Chernobyl. We already saw a mention in the bravery section. Its cross regional in these rankings. But the three tweets above are the tip of the top, the creme of the crop for the week. The weed is worse than nuclear radiation tweet had me dying, figuratively. I still get a chuckle out of Alex Berenson thinking he had the tweet that would finally end the use of marijuana. He thought he nailed it. This was the death shot, mic drop, and bomb (pun intended) to put to bed all this weed smoking tom foolery. Then the other two tweets about the Instagram influencers going there to take pictures is a perfect display of how these people lack self awareness. The one thing I love more than the internet is when the internet makes fun of the internet. That chick barely had on any clothes in the most nuclear-ly polluted place on the planet lmao.  Just go look at some of the replies as a great way to waste time and get a chuckle.

 

 

 

Ranking Wonka Brand Candy

By: DALTON

To start off, this blog would not be possible without the generous donation from a certain Will “Billy Dicks” Richards. I appreciate the love and appreciation from someone who self-described themselves as “the most extra person you know”. So, if you see Will, tell him thanks for the content and if you are in the Lansing area, stop into a Burger King!

To be completely honest, I was not very familiar with the Wonka candy family. I knew they had Runts and Nerds. Well, buddy, my eyes have been opened. I could have obviously tried to rank these off the top of my head, but it would have been a two-item list. Thanks to the donation from Billy Dicks, I can do my journalistic due diligence and properly rank these candies. I am doing this at 7 pm at night so if you have any questions or complaints, I will probably be up all night from the sugar spike. Unlike my Little Debbie rankings, I will try these and rank them in real time (real time to me, not you ya bozo). While trying these it became very apparent that there were tiers within the rankings, there were large gaps in between numbers.

THESE SUCK TIER:

12. Pixie Stix

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It is literally slightly flavored sugar. That’s it. Then sometimes the paper tube gets wet and stuck at the end and you can’t get any. Poor in all facets.

11. Fun Dip

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Slightly flavored sugar but with a hard candy dipping stick. A minimal upgrade from the Pixie Stix.

I WOULD PREFER TO NOT EAT THESE BUT I NEED MY SUGAR FIX TIER:

10. Laffy Taffy

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While ranked 10/12, I was pleasantly surprised that Laffy Taffy didn’t finish dead last. I hate taffy but Laffy Taffy wasnt as bad as I remembered. I would eat if I were dying. The jokes still suck. If they started putting in edgier jokes, they may jump up a spot. Your move, Willy.

11. SweetTarts Ropes

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I was very optimistic about this candy. I thought they were going to be a little more flavorful but they were just kind of blah. They had decent taste and texture but the name would lead me to believe they were much tastier.

 

“YEA, ILL GRAB A FEW OF THOSE” TIER

8. Bottle Caps

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The first tier of candy where I will actively seek them out. Bottle Caps are a classic. The more modest cousin of the SweetTart. A little chalky but I feel that adds to the flavor. Grape is obviously the prize gem of this candy.

7. SweetTarts Original

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They’re SweetTarts. Not amazing but far from horrible. Don’t know what else to tell ya here.

 

GOOD CANDY TIER

6. SweetTarts Extreme Sour Chewy (Shockers)

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After consulting with Will Richards, I learned that these were previously known as Shockers. I love them, but they dropped a few spots because I ate too many and my mouth turned raw. Please it in moderation.

5. Runts

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Fruity and crunch isn’t a combination seen too often in the world of sweets but Runts pulls it off to perfection. The best flavor is banana and I won’t hear otherwise. The biggest downside is you can’t eat these while watching TV, on account of the crunching noise.

 

CHOOSING THESE OVER CHOCOLATE TIER:

4. Gobstoppers

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Everlasting and tasty! You get a box of these and they might last you a calendar year. By far the best bang-for-your-buck candy on this list. I have no idea what they are made of and how they layer the flavors. I’m just going to assume its sugar and high fructose corn syrup.

3. SweetTarts Mini Chewy

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Chewy is my favorite type of fruity candy. Sweet, tart, chewy, and you can fit a million of them in your mouth at a time. These are just like Shockers except not sour and you can eat them forever (until you die of diabetes).

2. Nerds

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I figured going into the testing, this would be near the top. They were. Crunchy and sweet and so tiny. The texture of each Nerd is imperfectly perfect. Get a nice little mixture of the different flavors. Much like Bottle Caps, the grape is the best flavor.

ELITE TIER:

  1. Nerds Rope

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Just Nerds on a chewy, tasty rope. It is the perfect mixture of chewy and crunchy. There should be no surprise that with Nerds placing second, Nerds Rope finished first. It took what was already great and just added another dominant piece to itself. This is a lazy comparison but think the Warriors adding Durrant.