Can I Exploit the Hostile Political Climate for Financial Gain?

BY: DALTON

For those who don’t want to read how I will become wealthier than someone who works for 40 years, the answer is yes. I can exploit the current political climate for financial gain.

How did this plan come about? I saw a news post about a snow plow driver spraying slush on to some protesters. Naturally I checked out the comments. I would say that every 4th comment was about how someone would contribute to a Go Fund Me if the person was hurting for cash. This is when the light bulb in my big galaxy brain went off. Now, for anyone who wants to look into my plan, here is the step by step outline of how I will become richer than in my wildest dreams.

STEP 1: FIND AN EVENT

  • This is the first and most important step. I have to find out where a liberal or conservative public event is happening. Without a politically charged event, this plan is kaput.

STEP 2: CREATE A FAKE CONTROVERSY

  • Here is where I separate myself from the idiots who actually create controversies. I just lie and say I did something to “expose a racist” or “own a lib”. I don’t have to actually do it. People on the internet are so stupid. The people commenting on the plow driver post aren’t even from the same STATE as where the incident happened and they are willing to give this person money like they saved their child from leprosy. Just to be clear, I will be lying to people about this actually happening. In no way, shape, or form will I get my fat ass out of bed to make a counter-political statement.

STEP 3: CREATE GO FUND ME

  • Business 101: Have a way to monetize.

STEP 4: LOSE MY JOB AKA: LIE AGAIN

  • Obviously, just doing something wont bring in any money. But, you can generate sympathy by saying you lost your job because of your controversy (which is also a lie). People on the internet love giving money to people who act like assholes then have to deal with real world consequences. For example, the Vans employee who told a 14-year old kid wearing a MAGA hat to fuck off and was fired. Whether you agree politically or not doesn’t matter, if you tell a customer that and you aren’t the boss, you will be fired. But guess what? There was a Go Fund Me set up for him. The main formula here is Act Like an Ass+ (Job Acquisitions *-1)= Money from a Go Fund Me. Much like the controversy, this is not real. It is all a lie.

STEP 5: GET A GRASS ROOTS POLITICAL ACCOUNT TO SHARE STORY

  • Again, I cant stress this enough, people on the internet are stupid. People who aren’t famous but have large follower accounts just because they write sassy political tweets may be the dumbest of the bunch. All I would need is for them to retweet the link to my Go Fund Me and then I watch the dollars roll in. Again, this would be a Go Fund Me set up for a FAKE person, doing a FAKE political stunt, and losing their FAKE job, but the money would go into MY bank account. Here in lies the beauty of the plan. People who run and follow these accounts will do ANYTHING to feel righteous and justified in their beliefs. That includes encouraging or positively reinforcing behavior that they agree with. The political climate is so radically charged that people wont even research anything. “Oh, some asshole was acting like an asshole and lost their job? But, they also agree with me politically? I will stick it to the other side of the aisle by giving a stranger money!”. I’m not saying everyone is stupid in a vacuum (I am), but today’s politics have people so blinded that they throw all rationality out the window.

STEP 6: REPEAT UNTIL I CAN RETIRE

  • No one is going to fact check this shit. I figure I can do about 12 of these a year and if I get about $10,000/controversy, I should be able to bank about $600,000 by the end of the Trump era (assuming he gets re-elected). But, I think the political radicalism will extend to one more president after Trump. So, I should be able to retire by 2034 with around $1.5 million in my nice little nest egg. If a few things break my way in both the market and in how much people are willing to give to stupid causes, I could possibly retire before 2030. Its a lofty goal, but I believe in the stupidity of the internet. It hasn’t failed me yet.

 

Power Ranking Little Debbie Snacks

BY: DALTON

So, the discussion of Little Debbie snacks broke out at work the other day. Obviously, everyone had their opinions on which snacks were better than others. Even more obviously, most of their opinions were wrong. I couldn’t include EVERY single thing Little Debbie makes in that magical kitchen of hers, but I decided to rank the 10 snacks you will find at almost every gas station. Here is the definitive Little Debbie snack rankings:

10. Fudge Round

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What the fuck are these things? They are like Oatmeal Creme Pie’s drug addicted cousin that lives in a trailer park and only comes around when it needs money and always has random scabs and bruises. It is supposed to be fudge-y and creamy. Not only is it not tasty, but there are other LD snacks that satisfy those tastes so much better. This is the only bad snack on the list.

9. Apple Pie

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Pretty straight forward. LD doesn’t do fruit pies extraordinarily well. Any fast food chain has a pie that is better than this, but in a pinch, it works.

8. Powdered Sugar Donuts

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Much like the apple pie, there isn’t a whole lot to dive in to here. They are pretty good donuts for a really good price. Powdered sugar are the best kind of mini donuts, don’t come at me with that chocolate dipped shit.

7. Brownie w/ Nuts

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The first snack on the list where Little Debbie starts to put its products ahead of the pack. The brownie is the base and the highlight of this snack. Dense and fudge-y, the brownie is contrasted nicely with the crunch and saltiness of the walnuts.

6. Zebra Cakes

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Zebra Cakes are an overload of sugar. From the frosting on the outside to the cream on the inside, everything is super sweet. Not to say that’s a bad thing. I love a single Zebra Cake. The fact the you can only eat one, without making your stomach feel likes its getting punched by prime Tyson, knocks it down a few spots in the rankings.

5. Nutty Buddy

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Chocolate, peanut butter, wafers. No extra bells and whistles here. It has three simple things, but it does those things REALLY REALLY well.

4. Cosmic Brownie

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Now we enter the Mt.Rushmore of Little Debbie snacks. These next four are the best of the brand and in a different tier of elite. Laughing down upon all the other lowly snacks. The first to laugh is the Cosmic Brownie. A staple in both soccer snack and American culture. This brownie improves upon its lame cousin, the Fudge Brownie with Walnuts. It took the best parts (the brownie) and improved upon the weak parts (replacing nuts with candied chocolates). Rock solid from top to bottom, you can never go wrong with the Cosmic Brownie.

3. Swiss Roll

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The Swiss Roll is great right off the shelves, that’s why it is in the top 4 of the rankings. The real value comes when they come out of the freezer. When frozen, a Swiss Roll is like a mini ice cream cake. The cream and cake is obviously a time tested classic. But, the hard chocolate outside is what puts this snack ahead of the rest.

2. Star Crunch

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Underappreciated and under-consumed, the Star Crunch brings nothing but delight with every bite. The chocolate, caramel, and crisp rice combination is really only utilized in a 100 Grand bar. Star Crunch is exactly like a 100 Grand Bar only bigger and tastier. The fact you have the wrapper as a mini glove to protect your hand from chocolate is a HUGE bonus for this. But, wrapper or not, the Star Crunch is strong enough to be in the top 2.

1. Oatmeal Creme Pie

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The cream of the crop. The tip of the top on the tower of power. “YOU DOWN WITH OCP? YEA YOU KNOW ME!”. There are endless ways to say how great the Oatmeal Creme Pie is, but the best way to do so is to shame people who don’t think its #1 in the rankings. The soft oatmeal cookie with the rich creme is basically heaven in a plastic wrap. If you took an OCP back to the Greeks and Romans, they would denounce all the Gods they had previously worshiped and build shrines to both you and the 50 cent pastry you time traveled with. Not only is the original so good, Little Debbie went and made the Big Pack OCPs. More cookie and more creme. WOWZA! I can fall in love with almost any of the snacks on this list, but only one has my heart. Here’s to you, Oatmeal Creme Pie. May you live a long and prosperous life. May you continue to bring delight and joy to future generations. May you never be expelled from gas stations and convenience stores around the nation. Amen.

 

Teams in the East, Would You Rather?

BY: DALTON

I have a question for the teams in the East that are vying for a playoff spot. Would you rather get kicked in the nuts by a bull or play the Pistons? I don’t want to say the Pistons are the best team in the East right now, buttttttttttttt only two teams have longer win streaks than them (4 in a row). The Griffin and Drummond combo is clicking ever since Andre came out of concussion protocol. Thon Maker may be a god in human form (possibly a premature exclamation). Wayne Ellington is certainly a basketball player. Reggie Jackson doesn’t stink anymore. Luke Kennard is officially NOT a bust. I could go on and on about how the Pistons should strike fear into every living basketball franchise on the planet, but if I waxed any more poetic, the rest of the East may just fold and give the Conference Crown to Detroit right now. What sort of fun would that be?

In all honesty, the Pistons making a run at the playoffs is the right move over tanking. Outside of Zion, I am not sure if there is a player more likely to change a franchise than to bust. The Pistons are so far out of the number one pick (and have too much talent to be the worst team)  that tanking for the number 9 pick is so much worse than trying for a playoff spot. The Knicks have lost 17 in a row! There is no way Detroit could suck that bad. As for the draft? You just have to hope the new Pistons front office can find value in wherever they are picking. They havent had a chance yet to draft int he first round so you cant trust or distrust them, but their second round picks (Brown and Thomas) have proved worthy picks, especially Bruce Brown.

 

If the Pistons make playoffs, I don’t expect them to win a playoff series but I would be pretty disappointed if they didnt win a game. Especially considering that a LeBron led team is out of the question for a first round match-up. Obviously, these expectations are hinged on the fact that they make the playoffs. If the Pistons dont make the playoffs this will be the most disappoint season in a while. So, lets not think about that until later in the season, ok?

2018 JBob Media Awards

By: DALTON

Back when I was writing for WCBN, I did an end of year media awards blog. Well, it popped up in my Facebook memories today and inspired me to write another. But Dalton, aren’t you at work? Yes, but its that weird week in between Christmas and New Years where nothing really gets done. This one will be a little more in depth than my previous one, probably because I care a little more and have consumed more media.

BEST MOVIE*

*Obviously there are some HUGE names I am leaving off of this list (Avengers, Star is Born, Black Panther, etc.) but I never a. got around to seeing them or b. Not a huge fan of comic book movies/am so far behind on them that it would be a disservice for me to watch them now.

Nominees:

  • Isle of Dogs– A classic Wes Anderson film through and through. From the stop animation, similar to that of Fantastic Mr.Fox, to the constantly dry humor. A cute and touching story about a boy going and finding his dog. What is not to love about that? All the big names in the movie certainly delivered on their voice acting. When the biggest gripe with Hollywood is that its all remakes, this was an invigorating breath of fresh air.
  • Into the Spider Verse-While I said I am not a huge fan of comic book movies, this one completely blew me away. It was a refreshing take on the played out Spider-Man story. It was cute, funny, and 100% self-aware. For example, they introduce many Spider-People into this movie and each time they show the origin story, they make some comment about how “we’ve all heard this story before”. This movie took a story line that looked to be dead and pumped new life into it. I’m not saying I would like a second movie in this series, but I am saying this is my favorite comic book movie of all time.
  • Death of Stalin– Death of Stalin was a phenomenal film with a lot of nuanced, dark comedy that a lot of people didn’t expect. It wasn’t advertised that much or shown in many theaters nationwide. I was luck enough to see it in its last week of running. If you get the chance to buy/stream it, you have to do so.
  • The Ballad of Buster Scruggs– Netflix release movies typically scare me away, but this Cohen Brothers film bought Netflix a little more credibility. The fact that this movie was so unconventional is what made it so great. Instead of a normal movie where there is a main story line surrounded with B and C plots through out the entire film, this movie was a collection of five individual stories that had no connection to each other. Setting it in the Wild West was a great way to touch on the different types characters you would come across that the Silver Screen doesn’t really pay homage to. Because of the ‘five individual story’ structure, it is one of the easiest movies of the year to watch.
  • Bad Times at the El Royale– The big cast (Bridges, Hamm, Hemsworth) certainly delivered in this murder-mystery thriller. But it was the lesser known names that stole the show. Lewis Pullman’s performance as Miles Miller, the bell boy/concierge at the El Royale was phenomenal. Portraying the innocent boy who knows too much, his character was the whipped cream and cherry on an already delicious movie. The movie is a little long and can drag at times, but the “You don’t really know who anybody is” aspect of the film keeps you engaged for its entirety.

 

WINNER: ISLE OF DOGS

 

BEST SONG*

*I know that most of these songs are rap and a lot of my followers will ask where the Greta Van Fleet is. GVF is good. I like them, but they didnt put out anything in 2018 that was “Song of the Year” good. So get off my back.

Nominees:

  • Mo Bamba by Shek Wes: The anthem of college kids across the nation. It is simple, the words are easy to figure out, and anytime drunk people can scream three consecutive obscenities in public, the song will pick up a lot of steam. Also Mo Bamba being a good basketball player has helped. Underrated part about this song is that Shek Wes filmed it while in a walking boot and on an Amigo scooter.
  • High by Young Thug ft Elton John: The first 500 times I listened to this song, I wept uncontrollably. Its like Thug, Sir Elton, and Jesus sat down in a studio and decided to give this world the most important piece of media since the Ten Commandments. If you haven’t listened to this song yet, I’m jealous that you get to experience it for a first time.
  • Rats by Ghost: This radio friendly rocker from the Satan-worshiping metal band is catch as all get out. Ghost would probably be my band of the year if I had that category. Their new album “Prequelle” was strong from front to back and “Rats” is the crowned juul (trying to get my SEO up). My Dad always told me that a metal song is all about the riff and “Rats”  certainly delivers. From ground and pound melodies to mind melting solos, this heavy rocker takes back seat to nobody.
  • Nice for What by Drake: Undeniably the King of Main Stream Rap right now, Drake’s newest album “Scorpion” delivered hits on hits on hits. “God’s Plan” got all of the social media hype with the tear-inducing music video and meme culture. “In My Feelings” got massive numbers because of the Shiggy Challenge that was inescapable on Instagram. But “Nice for What” is the most fun, dance-able, singable, and listenable song off of the 2018 project from Aubrey.
  • The Middle by Maren Morris, Zedd, and Grey: So, so catchy. This dance hit combines all the features of a modern pop song. Strong vocals, fun bass/beat drops, and high energy. It was played at least 2x at every house party or bar I went to in the summer. Not the greatest song of all time, but I would be doing it a huge disservice to leave it off of this list.

 

WINNER: HIGH BY YOUNG THUG FT. ELTON JOHN 

 

BEST TV SHOW*

*I don’t watch Game of Thrones. I’ve been planning to since last April.

NOMINEES:

  • Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 13: The ASIP cast delivered again. While there were a couple of duds in this season, there were just as many all-time classic moments. It was great that Dennis (my favorite character) is back to his maniacal ways, Frank is as crazy and depraved as ever, Mac fully embraced his gay character, Charlie is Charlie, and Dee still doesn’t get an ounce of respect. A very self-aware season where they poked fun at the TV industry, society, and themselves.
  • Big Mouth, Season 2: From the weird mind of Nick Kroll, Big Mouth was the most outrageous show I’ve seen in a very long time. Continuing to follow a group of kids through puberty, it is every bit as awkward and hilarious as it is raunchy and adoring. The best addition to this season was Nick’s personal Hormone Monster. Weird, decrepit, and a total failure. “You’re the man Steve!”
  • American Vandal, Season 2: Crushed the entire season in one sitting while out in San Francisco with some friends. Not as funny as the first season, but the main story and the plot twists were just as captivating. Again, they perfected the mock-umentary and I will be sure to watch Season 3 (if there is one)
  • South Park, Season 22: One of South Park’s better seasons in a while. I’m not sure what the critical reception is, but anytime they can put in an entire episode about Catholic priests, count me in. They also brought back Al Gore and ManBearPig (MBP) in a couple of episodes. The biggest thing I got out of this season is that Al Gore’s life mentor was Al Gore.
  • Better Call Saul, Season 4: For those of us who has stuck with Saul through the first three seasons, we were rewarded BIG TIME. This season really dives into the character of Jimmy McGill and you see more and more cross over with Breaking Bad. I don’t want to spoil too much of it in case there is someone who has been meaning to watch the series. The first few seasons were slow, but this last season was just as good, if not better, than the best seasons of Breaking Bad.

 

WINNER: BETTER CALL SAUL, SEASON 4

 

BEST VIDEO GAME*

* I don’t have a PlayStation or a Switch but I’ve heard really really good things about God of  War and Smash Bros.
  • Red Dead Redemption 2– In the much anticipated release to the sequel to Red Dead Redemption, RDR2 doesn’t disappoint in the slightest. In fact, it may be the only game that had exceeded already sky-high expectations. The graphics were absolutely phenomenal. It was the first game that was built for consoles with enhanced graphic capabilities. Ever minor detail was accounted for. The game play was even more in-depth than the visuals. From the horse relationship mechanics to the way you could interact with local towns folk. RDR2 didn’t just give us a rehash of its predecessor, it took what made it great (story line, endearing characters, rarely touched upon genre) and built upon. Not too often does a video game sequel deliver on this level.
  • Fortnite- I know that this game technically came out in 2017, but it didn’t become what it is today until early 2018. I’m sure most people understand the gist of what Fortnite is and how its played. But some many people don’t understand what makes it so fun. Simply put, it is the multiplayer aspect. Squading up with your friends and taking on 96 other people is both challenging and exhilarating. Pair that in with the fact that no two games are exactly the same and it is 100% free to play, and you have yourself a smash hit. Obviously, people buy different character skins and dances to help personalize the experience, but they offer no competitive advantage. All you need is a console, an online membership, and some friends for a good time.
  • Far Cry V- Before this game, I was never really into the Far Cry series. But, when my brother told me it was about a cult in Montana, I was hooked. It was a very open world game with a lot of side missions and mindless activities that helped enhance the game play. The story line was engaging and the weaponry was very fun. From guns like a shovel launcher (exactly what it sounds like) to a variety of assault rifles, the guns in this game added another level of enjoyment. Not as in depth as RDR2 but for this game, that is a good thing. They kept it complexly simple and delivered an absolutely outstanding game.

 

WINNER: FORTNITE