Re-ranking Food Mascot Fights

BY: DALTON

 

So, this tweet came along my timeline the other day and it caused quite a stir in my world. While the chart is fairly accurate, there are some issues with it. Here are my rankings of Easiest to Hardest in terms of fighting.

  1. Gerber Baby: Its a fucking baby. I could kick the shit out of 100 of them at once. Light work for me. May use this time to stretch and get ready for tougher opponents
  2. Keebler Elf: Idk if elves can do magic or not, but assuming they cant this is just bizzaro world Gerber Baby. A 2 foot nothing and 11 lbs old man isn’t even gonna leave a scuff on my shoe. And if he does any damage to my clothes, one of his bitch ass sons can make me a new one for Christmas.
  3. Hamburger Helper Hand: This is the first opponent that could actually “hurt” me. If that hand latches around my throat it could give me a little scare, but I just assume its the size of a normal hand so a simple stomp should shatter its bones and life.
  4. Quaker Oats Man: He was ranked far too low. The easiest fight? That’s preposterous because at the end of the day he is a full grown man and will be significantly harder than an elf or a baby.
  5. Sugar Smacks Frog: A frog will never beat me in anything ever. There’s a chance it beats me in a “Most Like A Frog Contest” but even then I like my chances. He could smack me with his tongue, which is pretty gross, but, again, hes a frog.
  6. Jolly Green Giant: Yes, he is a giant. I am aware. But you know what he also is? Jolly. Jolly people don’t/cant fight. Mopping the floor with this green bean eating freak. I probably don’t even have to physically fight him. Just utter a little trash talk and this guy doesn’t know what to do.
  7. Lucky Charms Leprechaun: This is the first opponent where I might lose. Unlike the Keebler Elf, I know this little guy can perform magic. He could transport me to a different dimension and have me fighting in space or some shit. But, just by going off pure size, I should still be a slight favorite.
  8. Pillsbury Dough Boy: The biggest threat from the “Boy” is that he can absorb blows at an astounding rate. Kinda like that Simpsons episode where Homer is a boxer. I may punch and kick long enough that I just die of exhaustion.
  9. Yellow M&M: This dude just ate one of his own species in the latest commercial. I cant compete with that type of crazy.
  10. Bear?: I have no idea what brand this bear represents, but at the end of the day its still a bear. Me vs Bear is the first fight I go in to expecting to lose. If this bear is a black bear though, I have a very tiny chance. But if its a brown bear, plan the funeral yesterday.
  11. Chester Cheeto: This cat is flat out cool. He eats Cheetos and does drugs all day. That type of lifestyle just breeds confidence. I guess it really depends on what type of drugs Chester uses. If I had to guess, I would say that hes a crack or crystal meth guy. At that point, I would just accept my ass beating and beg for mercy.
  12. Red M&M: Remember the cannibalistic yellow one? Who do you think was the brains behind that operation?
  13. Trix Rabbit: This Rabbit will do ANYTHING to get some of that sweet sweet Trix cereal. He would dress in costumes, employ the help of Bugs Bunny, and undoubtedly whoop the ass of anyone who stands in between him and a bowl of sugary breakfast delights.
  14. KFC Colonel: The Colonel has seen some shit in his day. He may also be very tall? I’m not 100% sure but if I had to guess I would assume he is 6’4 and a lean 225. He also dresses sharp and swaggy people are tough to take down i.e. Joseph Stalin.
  15. Burger King King: Hes a king, yes. Kings do king shit. Fact! In order to claim the throne, you gotta kill a few people. I can not, nay, I WILL not get in a ring with a confirmed killer!
  16. Cap’n Crunch: Kind of a combination of the BK King and KFC Colonel. Swaggy and has killed people. Also sprinkle in some of that Lucky Charms magic because how does his cereal stay crunch in milk, Max Kellerman?!?!?
  17. Ronald McDonald: 1. Hes a clown. 2. He is THE clown. 3. How is he in such great shape while being the face of the leading corporation in the WORLD? All these facts point to one thing, he’s the hardest motherfucker out there. You cant get to the top without stepping on all the little people. I am man enough to admit that I am a little person. If I try to fight Ronnie Mac, I will just be another splotch on the bottom of his size 32 shoe.
  18. Mr. Peanut: My father was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. My grandfather was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. My great-grandfather was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. My great-great-grandfather was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. I will not fall victim to the Potocki family curse!
  19. Uncle Ben: Easiest mascot to analyze. He has straight “old man” strength. UB will beat my ass then sit me down and tell me that was because I cheated on an Accelerated Reading test in 4th grade. Not only will he physically beat me down, he will make me feel like I deserved it.
  20. Tony the Tiger: I will not sit here in the eyes of God and claim I can beat a tiger in a fight. I simply will not. No matter what the haters and losers, of which there are many, are claiming, you wont catch me stepping up to that handkerchief-ed feline.
  21. Kool-Aid Man: OH YEA this guy could kick my ass. He is an absolute unit. Mf’er breaks through walls at the drop of a phrase. Anyone who willingly smashes their face through any type of wall, is someone not to be taken lightly. He is aggressive. We can all agree that the red inside him is blood, but the real question is whos blood is it?

Ranking Wonka Brand Candy

By: DALTON

To start off, this blog would not be possible without the generous donation from a certain Will “Billy Dicks” Richards. I appreciate the love and appreciation from someone who self-described themselves as “the most extra person you know”. So, if you see Will, tell him thanks for the content and if you are in the Lansing area, stop into a Burger King!

To be completely honest, I was not very familiar with the Wonka candy family. I knew they had Runts and Nerds. Well, buddy, my eyes have been opened. I could have obviously tried to rank these off the top of my head, but it would have been a two-item list. Thanks to the donation from Billy Dicks, I can do my journalistic due diligence and properly rank these candies. I am doing this at 7 pm at night so if you have any questions or complaints, I will probably be up all night from the sugar spike. Unlike my Little Debbie rankings, I will try these and rank them in real time (real time to me, not you ya bozo). While trying these it became very apparent that there were tiers within the rankings, there were large gaps in between numbers.

THESE SUCK TIER:

12. Pixie Stix

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It is literally slightly flavored sugar. That’s it. Then sometimes the paper tube gets wet and stuck at the end and you can’t get any. Poor in all facets.

11. Fun Dip

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Slightly flavored sugar but with a hard candy dipping stick. A minimal upgrade from the Pixie Stix.

I WOULD PREFER TO NOT EAT THESE BUT I NEED MY SUGAR FIX TIER:

10. Laffy Taffy

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While ranked 10/12, I was pleasantly surprised that Laffy Taffy didn’t finish dead last. I hate taffy but Laffy Taffy wasnt as bad as I remembered. I would eat if I were dying. The jokes still suck. If they started putting in edgier jokes, they may jump up a spot. Your move, Willy.

11. SweetTarts Ropes

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I was very optimistic about this candy. I thought they were going to be a little more flavorful but they were just kind of blah. They had decent taste and texture but the name would lead me to believe they were much tastier.

 

“YEA, ILL GRAB A FEW OF THOSE” TIER

8. Bottle Caps

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The first tier of candy where I will actively seek them out. Bottle Caps are a classic. The more modest cousin of the SweetTart. A little chalky but I feel that adds to the flavor. Grape is obviously the prize gem of this candy.

7. SweetTarts Original

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They’re SweetTarts. Not amazing but far from horrible. Don’t know what else to tell ya here.

 

GOOD CANDY TIER

6. SweetTarts Extreme Sour Chewy (Shockers)

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After consulting with Will Richards, I learned that these were previously known as Shockers. I love them, but they dropped a few spots because I ate too many and my mouth turned raw. Please it in moderation.

5. Runts

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Fruity and crunch isn’t a combination seen too often in the world of sweets but Runts pulls it off to perfection. The best flavor is banana and I won’t hear otherwise. The biggest downside is you can’t eat these while watching TV, on account of the crunching noise.

 

CHOOSING THESE OVER CHOCOLATE TIER:

4. Gobstoppers

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Everlasting and tasty! You get a box of these and they might last you a calendar year. By far the best bang-for-your-buck candy on this list. I have no idea what they are made of and how they layer the flavors. I’m just going to assume its sugar and high fructose corn syrup.

3. SweetTarts Mini Chewy

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Chewy is my favorite type of fruity candy. Sweet, tart, chewy, and you can fit a million of them in your mouth at a time. These are just like Shockers except not sour and you can eat them forever (until you die of diabetes).

2. Nerds

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I figured going into the testing, this would be near the top. They were. Crunchy and sweet and so tiny. The texture of each Nerd is imperfectly perfect. Get a nice little mixture of the different flavors. Much like Bottle Caps, the grape is the best flavor.

ELITE TIER:

  1. Nerds Rope

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Just Nerds on a chewy, tasty rope. It is the perfect mixture of chewy and crunchy. There should be no surprise that with Nerds placing second, Nerds Rope finished first. It took what was already great and just added another dominant piece to itself. This is a lazy comparison but think the Warriors adding Durrant.

 

Game of Thrones Season 8 Thoughts

BY: DALTON

I’m not really sure how to write this blog without it being incoherent so there will be a lot of breaks and random sentences. If you don’t like it, too bad. Its my blog. If you want me to change it, you can pay for the site and give me money to write. Not gonna do that? Too much money and time? Good, now shut up and read my uninformed opinions.

THE SEASON

I’m nervous for this season for a multitude of reasons. First off, I think its going to end poorly. I feel that way because for a show of this magnitude, there is no “right” way to end it. I don’t want the obvious fan-service choice of Snow and Dany winning. I don’t want the Night King to go scorched (froze?) Earth and just kill everyone. I also don’t want Cersi, Bran, Sansa, Arya, or Tyrion to get on the Throne.  I realize someone has to be on the Throne. I guess I just don’t want the show to end. Secondly, I guess there is no second. I’m just very nervous.

 

CHARACTERS (I know there are more but these are the ones I care about)

Jon Snow– Snow is kind of a weird character if you think about it. He is the most righteous character in the show. The traditional protagonist in every sense. But, hes the biggest failure of all time. Failed to win the love of Catelyn Stark, failed love live with Ygritte, died in a mutiny of Castle Black, broke his oath on keeping Wildlings out, bailed out in the Battle of the Bastards by Littlefinger and Sansa. For all those who want Jon to win, he cant. He’s a born loser. I like him. Fine guy. The godfather of one of my children, but he isn’t a winner. I think he dies and doesn’t come back. I’ll be sad, you will be sad, we will all be sad. But its just not in the cards for Jon to claim the Throne.

Dany Targaryen– My true Queen. She’s simply the best. The dragons are bad ass, she is a firm yet understanding ruler, is easy on the eyes, and cant die in a house fire. Perfection. She will obviously have the most weight to pull when it comes to defeating the Night King. She has the largest/strongest army and dragons. The fate of Westeros lies on her shoulders. I feel like she will live through the season, I’m just not feeling her on the Throne. I feel like she will go somewhere else and rule.

Tyrion Lannister– I think Tyrion lives simply because he is smarter than everyone else. He will obviously be in the back planning everything and scheming. The only think I would look out for is a heel turn from Tyrion. That secret meeting he had with Cersi at the end of Season 7. We don’t know what was said and I have a sinking feeling that Tyrion may try to play both sides in a potential power play.

Arya Stark– She is just going to go on a killing rampage. She is going to be killing Wights, shes going to be crossing people off of her list, and she is going to continue to be a bad ass. My prediction is that after the whole Night King threat is subdued, Arya is going to become Lord Commander of Castle Black.

Sansa Stark– Sansa is so boring. She probably wont do anything of note until the dust settles around the battles. She may play some chess with Cersi on a few moves but she wont be a major player early on. I do think Sansa lives and becomes the Lady of Winterfell. On a side note, I think I’m in love with Sophie Turner. She seems like the absolute coolest.

Jamie Lannister– He is going to be a noble fighter with the Golden Army and is going to bring a lot of support to the battle in the North. I feel like he is going to try to return to Cersi in King’s Landing to try and talk sense into his lover (sister) but will ultimately come across as a threat and be killed by the woman he loves. I do buy a little into the theory that Jamie will kill Cersi because she is becoming the “Mad Queen” but that would be a little too much fan service for my liking.

Cersi Lannister– The Baddest Bitch in Westeros. I actually have no predictions for what kind of twisted, fucked-up shit she has planned. Of all the characters, Cersi may be the one I am most interested in watching this season. She is as cold and ruthless as Ty Cobb (yea, its a sports reference. This is a sports blog.).

Bran Stark– My second most intriguing character I want to watch. Up until this point, Bran’s story line has sucked! It has been so long and drawn out and not filled with much action outside of Hodor dying (RIP in peace). But there are a billion theories out there about how Bran is the Night King, Bran was the voice in the Mad Kings head that’s why all that wild fire is under King’s Landing in anticipation of the Wight Army, Bran is Bran the Builder, or some other time travel-y thing. I have no real inkling as to which one is going to true, if any. Bran is like Cersi in that I don’t want to start rooting for certain things to happen. They are characters where I just want to sit back and take it in.

Sam Tarley– Sam is going to be the head Meister thing in where ever the hell all those nerds in that library hang out. He is going to have a way to defeat the Wights by reading a book that hasn’t been read in like 8,000 years.

Night King– My biggest hope for the Night King this season is that we get more of a back story on him. Who he was, his motives, where he liked to eat for dinner on Friday nights. My favorite theory about him is that he is actually the good guy on a mission to stop Cersi from destroying all of Westeros and that once he kills her, his army of the dead returns north of the Wall. This obviously hinges on the theory that Bran is the Night King. It would turn the show and make us think about how each side thinks they’re right and perception. But mainly I just want them to tell us more about the Night King. I think that in the season though, he gets killed by Jon Snow.

The Mountain– Killed by the Hound in a 15-minute CleganeBowl

The Hound– Killed by Arya shortly after killing the Mountain in a 15-minute CleganeBowl

Theon Greyjoy– Theon is a pretty polarizing character. Polarizing in the sense of when people think hes gonna die. I think he makes it decently deep into the season, maybe episode 4. Theon’s death will be a redeeming one though. He is going to sacrifice himself to protect Bran. It will be full circle after lying about burning Bran.

Yara Greyjoy– Just threw her in here since I was writing about the other Greyjoys. I think Yara just gets killed by Euron. Nothing crazy.

Euron Greyjoy– Kills Yara but then is promptly killed by Cersi as soon as the fleets are in Westeros. Its a tough look to talk that talk then get thrown to the side quicker than a teenage boys used sock, but that’s the game. The Game of Thrones. BADA-BING.

Lord Varys– I will be devastated if Varys dies. I love him like I loved Littlefinger. Just the knowledge and the manipulation is so so sweet. I have full confidence that Varys can slither his way out of anything. He should be able to position himself nicely to have a place next to whoever is on the Iron Throne.

Dragons– The ice one dies, the other two live. While that is pretty chalk, it would be sweet to see all three dragons belong to the Night King. Chaos in the Skies (also the name of my Jefferson Starship cover band).

Bronn– He is going to say “Fuck this” and march to High Garden to finally get his castle. The best part, no one will be upset. Everyone loves Bronn. He is smart, funny, and one hell of a sell sword.

Brienne of Tarth– Brienne makes it through the whole war and if one of the Starks sits on the Throne, she becomes the first woman of the King’s Guard. She is just such a bad ass I don’t see a situation where she dies.

Tormund Giantsbane– With all that being said about Brienne, I think she will be caught in a moment of compromise and Tormund jumps in front to save her. The save will result in fatal blow. It will be done out of love which will give people a nice fuzzy feeling while the rest of Westeros is being ravaged and torn apart. I like Tormund. That’s not a hot take. It will be sad to see such a charismatic character die on screen.

Hot Pie– The war is over. Jon Snow and Dany are sitting on the Iron Thrones in Kings Landing. Everyone people like are sitting around the Capitol having a grand old time. Arya and the Hound are chumming it up. Sansa has become fun. Brienne of Tarth and Tormund have eloped and are expecting a massive baby. Jamie Lannister is leading the King’s Guard again. Tyrion, Varys, Bronn, and Sam are on the Small Council. What a glorious day for a feast! The food is starting to come out as the music plays. My god this pie is delicious. All of a sudden, everyone starts choking. People are dropping like flies. Everyone has been poisoned! Out from the kitchen, steps the next great ruler of Westeros. Our one true king is on the Iron Throne:

Osl4F

(PC:TrashTalkTV)

Red Dead Redemption 2 Trailer Reaction

BY: DALTON

I AM OFFICIALLY AROUSED! For fans of the first Red Dead (if you’re not a fan, you’re a huge loser) this trailer is essentially the dose of drugs they give you at the methadone clinic. The announcement of RDR2 back in October of 2016 was Christmas come early for me and many others. Then production kept getting pushed, to quote Chris Berman, “BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK”. After many teases at the ever popular E3 festival, Rockstar games finally released the first game play footage of their most anticipated squeal ever.

The legion of RDR fans is large and passionate and I fully expect this games release to top any record that Grand Theft Auto has ever set. I will probably be pre-buying, making this the first game I will ever pre-buy.

While trying not to pass out while watching this trailer, here are a few things that really caught my fancy:

  • The scenery: This is, quite far and away, the most exciting thing I got out of the trailer. When the scene of main character on the mountain top (0:37) was looking over the cascading backdrop, my jaw almost dropped. I legitimately will probably buy a newer XBox just for the 4k gaming. Obviously, as technology advances the graphics in video games will get better and better. But, RDR still holds up after eight years (2010) so I fully expect RDR2 to look absolutely awe-inspiring.
  • Camp morale: This is a cool concept that wasn’t in RDR or Red Dead Revolver, the predecessor to Redemption. In the first two Dead games you play as outlaw John Marston and you do have an actual home. But, it seems that Rockstar decided to add a feature where you have to keep your band of outlaws happy and content where ever you set up camp. I feel like this borrows a little bit from Bethesda’s Fall Out series and I certainly don’t hate it.
  • Character/NPC interactions: Compared to RDR, it looks as though you will be able to have a more personal relationship with the characters that you interact with most. While this isnt a new concept to gaming, once again see Fall Out, this is new to the Red Dead franchise. It looks like they will still have the notoriety ratings which is nice but the best part will be the random interactions you come across when riding. In RDR you would frequently come across a stage coach being robbed, someone being held hostage, etc. etc. But in RDR2, you can either diffuse, escalate, or ignore the situation and that will be amazing. Also being able to silence witnesses instead of just gunning them down will help you boost that notoriety rating (if you’re into being a “good” guy).

Review: An Evening With Ghost

Saturday May 11th   2018, the Fillmore in Detroit, MI was a chapel of ritual.  The Grammy winning Swedish rock band Ghost was in town performing a blistering two and a half hour set to a sold out crowd.  Ghost is by far the most theatric rock band in the game today. For the Joshbobdotcom.com readers who are not familiar with Ghost, let me catch you up to speed  (it’s a little confusing so try to keep up).

Ghost is band sent on a mission by a secret underground satanic society to take over the world in the name of Lucifer.  Led by a black pope, Papa Nihil, and Sister Imperator (the lead behind the scenes characters) that mastermind a satanic movement through the music of Ghost. Papa Emeritus I was enlisted as the first singer only to be replaced after the first album due to failure to take over the world. Papa Emeritus II and Emeritus III suffered the same fate as their predecessor after their respective albums (it’s the same singer with a different costume). The ancient bloodline was broken with current singer Cardinal Copia (again same guy, new costume). The backing band of nine consists of silver masked, “nameless ghouls” (who Lenny Potocki says look like Power Rangers). So you’re confused?  Don’t worry; the bottom line is Ghost is a hard rock band with over-the-top theatrics that gives an added value to the experience.  Today, it is nearly impossible to shock anyone. Alice Cooper carrying a snake, Slayer and Motley Crüe with their pentagrams, and Marilyn Manson with his anti-Christ superstar production just do not raise the public’s blood pressure like it used to.   Still Ghost manages to provide enough refreshing mystery and occult to grab your attention.  To describe their sound, the first time I heard them it immediately reminded me of the love child of Black Sabbath and Blue Oyster Cult.

Saturday night Ghost would deliver a solid twenty-four songs to a packed house. The band managed to maintain a steady pace throughout the entire show.  Choir hymns rang and the smell of incense permeated through the theatre before Ghost took the stage, opening with their new single “Rats” a radio-friendly rocker that takes me back to early 80’s metal.  Ghost played songs spanning their entire six album catalogue and four new songs off the yet to be released “Prequelle”, due June 1st.  The show had numerous highlights including a saxophone solo by Papa Nihil, several costume changes, and a confetti shower.  The production seemed to build from start to finish with a calculated order that ended with “Square Hammer”, the groups highest charting song, which turned into a full on sing along.  A roaring crowd brought the band back and for the encore. Cardinal Copia gave a passionate speech on the female orgasm, which seemed a little out of place, but Ghost is a band that creates their reality. “Monstrance Clock” was a fitting finale ending with hymn-like sing along, “Come together, together as one, Come together for Lucifer’s son”.

Ghost provided a fantastic show with a band that fired on all cylinders.  The music and voice was spot on. Even to the point that the music comes off better live then their studio productions, which is a rare feat. Ghost left no doubt that they are a seasoned pro-band who know how to capture an audience. Bottom line is, if you’re looking for something new, outside your comfort zone, and wildly entertaining give Ghost a try.  Don’t let the imagery hold you back. Watching Game of Thrones doesn’t mean you believe in dragons and White Walkers, but it is entertaining.  Ghost hasn’t succeeded in converting Satanists around the world, yet, but they prove rock isn’t dead. It’s quite alive and well with Ghost.

Overall  – A (A+ if they would have played my favorite song “Secular Haze”)

(photo credit: Dalton Potocki)