7/11 on S. University Review


If the name of the establishment were it’s rating, it would be 4 points too low. This place is the perfect mix of self-reflection, pure ecstasy, and community. The soda fountain puts Coors beer to shame because if they are as cold as the Rockies, the pop is as cold as the mountains of Jupiter (-245 degrees F). The women behind the counter feed me so well I forget who my mother is, feed me more taquitos mami. The pricing of inventory can only be described as a cross between a garage sale and Ace Hardware after your Uncle, twice removed, takes you to buy fireworks on July 5th. The Arizona Iced Tea selection rivals the variety of spices the great Marco Polo wrestled from the severed bodies of chinamen. Truly the melting pot of candy, chips, and soft drinks, almost an exact allegory of what our Founding Fathers wanted this great country to be. It is of our highest recommendation that if you find yourself within a 50 mile radius, make sure you stop by to say hello to mami for me.

Dear Hollywood: Where are all the dabs?

It’s no secret that the Hollywood film industry isn’t what it used to be. Would be movie goers turn to Netflix, on-demand services, etc. rather than the local multiplex, hurting the bottom line of theater owners and Hollywood studios. (Aside: I will continue to prefix ‘Hollywood’ on all things movie industry related until the day I die). What’s a Hollywood movie exec. to do faced with this competition? Innovate in order to survive a shifting industry? Hell no! Let’s just make Pirates of the Caribbean Chad Ochocinco. Spider-man made some dough last time, let’s just fire the guy playing him and shoot the whole film over again. Let’s make another movie about cartoon cars! Also, not completely relevant, but why have the kids from Despicable Me not aged? I don’t care if it’s a cartoon, you can’t convince me that they should be the exact same age after 3 different movies. What does my endless blather mean for the Hollywood film industry? It means Hollywood executives will sell out in every way possible and recycle more bullshit than the people who work at Waste Management. Yet, Hollywood seems to hold one cultural tradition too sacred to exploit. Dabbing. Seriously, you want people to go to movies, throw some dabs in the trailer. Little kids love dabs.


Hillary Clinton loves dabs.


My grandmother loves dabs.


(Betty White is my grandmother, idgaf)

Honestly, I can’t understand how dabs aren’t in every movie. If the guy in Get Out dabbed after killing his psycho fake-girlfriend I would have thrown dollar bills at the screen. If someone were to tell me that Tupac dabs in All Eyez on Me, I’d go to the movie theater next Friday and tell them to run my debit card until it runs no mo (credit to Dalton). For real, someone needs to get fired over this. That’s just money being left on the table. A few months ago I went to the movie Sing fully anticipating to be barraged with dabs. Guess how many I saw? Gilbert Arenas. In fact, after extensive internet research (5 minutes), I could not find a single movie where someone dabs. Let’s change this Hollywood. You’re better(worse) than this. I need dabs in my life, you need dabs in your life, everybody needs dabs in their life.

Bennji’s Flick of the Week:

My Bennji’s flick of the week is: The Phenom

The Phenom

I like Paul Giamatti. I like baseball. I like this movie. Not a lot of thrills and fairly slow paced, just like a baseball game, but if you have the time and the patience it’s a pretty interesting story about a great player who can’t get out of his own way. Also, Ethan Hawke is disturbingly realistic as an emotionally and physically abusive father.

Rating: (0/5 couches) (no dabs)

Dabflation Adjusted Rating: (3/5 couches)

Peace, I’m Out!