Team: Titans (1)…..Owner: Matt O’Brien…..Price Paid: $135…..Grade: D+
- First Round Opponent: Bye
- Simply on the numbers, getting a number one seed for the fifth most money in the entire auction would seem like an absolute steal. But, sadly for Blair, we do not live in a logical or fair world. By HIS OWN calculations the Titans will have to win it all for him to come up net positive. I have some words of advice for young Matti Wan KenO’B, a fool and his money is soon separated. And brother, your money just handed you some divorce papers.
Team: Chiefs (2)…..Owner: Trey Slominski…..Price Paid: $230…..Grade: B
- First Round Opponent: Stillers
- Personally, I think that the Chiefs are the class of the AFC so you can never go wrong with the favorite. Given the format, are the Chiefs $230 good? Maybe. They should reach the Super Bowl and the NFC can shake out in any direction. Andy Reid is never a bad bet whether it be in a punt, pass, and kick, or the NFL playoffs. I think I would love it a touch more if Trey showed some respect and didn’t draft at the bar. From the looks of it, he may be a Jim Irsay-type owner.
Team: Bills (3)…..Owner: Dalton Potocki…..Price Paid: $125…..Grade: A-
- First Round Opponent: Patriots
- A good price, for a great team, bought by a better owner. The Bills hardest opponent will be the Patriots (reason this isn’t an A+) and if they can get over the Billy B hump, they should find themselves in a showdown in Kansas City. BBQ vs Wings, the matchup the country needs.
Team: Bengals (4)…..Owner: Trey Slominski…..Price Paid: $95…..Grade: C+
- First Round Opponent: Raiders
- I know that the days of the Red Rifle are long gone and the one that got away from Urban is captaining this ship but I just do not like the Bengals. Sue me. Ok, actually, Trey please don’t sue me because I know you would. Alas, no matter how litigious you want to get, you will never be able to recuperate the social debt you took on when buying a team with out an offensive line and relies on a running back of, at best, questionable morals.
Team: Raiders (5)…..Owner:Dalton Potocki…..Price Paid: $60…..Grade: C
- First Round Opponent: @ Bengals
- Jesus F. Christ, did Chris Berman buy these teams for Dalton? Despite buying two Fastest Three Minute favorites, Dalton’s monetary success lies heavily on the Bills. I caught up with the frugal purchaser after the draft and heres what he had to say, “Ya know, they might be the team of destiny this year. With the passing of Madden and the $100 million expulsion of racism, it may be time to gamble on Vegas.”. Just for fun, the RRRrrrraaIIIDDeerrrrssss.
Team: Patriots (6)…..Owner: Brendan Kaiser…..Price Paid: $60…..Grade: A-
- First Round Opponent: @ Bills
- I dont know much about Brendan, but I do know that he got very solid value in New England. $60 for Bill Belichick? Love it. In lieu of any personal attacks on a complete stranger, here is a 2010s style top-text-bottom-text meme to keep you satiated.
Team: Steelers (7)…..Owner: Steve Townsend…..Price Paid: $25….. Grade: F+
- First Round Opponent: @ Chiefs
- Woof. Paying $25 for any team is usually a good deal in a calcutta just given the nature of payouts and such but, again, woof. The Steelers are are not in a good spot. The team looks ready to quit on Tomlin. Big Ben is much past is prime, but are we truly surpised that despite everyone telling him “no” he just did what he wanted? …..allegedly
Team: Packers (1)…..Owner: Les Weipert…..Price Paid: $170…..Grade: N/A
- First Round Opponent: Bye
- In good faith, I cannot give this pick a grade. I despise the Packers and Kaaron Fraudgers more than anything. All things considered though, $170 for the one seed in the NFC is a fair price. I have two very very large worries for the Pack though. 1. Winning games in Lambeau is just something that Rodgers refuses to do. 2. Heaven forbid, and I mean FORBID, a COVID outbreak occurs in the locker room. While I am sure that most, if not all, of the Green Bay team is vaccinated, you would hate to lose some special teamers or depth guys to the highly contagious virus.
Team: Buccaneers (2)…..Owner: Trey Slominski…..Price Paid: $180…..Grade: A+
- First Round Opponent: Eagles
- Out of Trey’s entire stable of teams, I like the Bucs the most. Not just because they are the second best team, but I like his $180 price for them much more than his $230 paid for the Chiefs. The Bucs should have a relatively easy path to the NFCCG and, worst case scenario, they play in Green Bay, a place they have won before. Tom is the GOAT and at this point in his career it would be incredibly foolish to think he couldn’t win at lease a couple of playoff games. I don’t feel like finding another pic of Brady so you get the Deflategate meme again.
Team: Cowboys (3)…..Owner: Jack Lang…..Price Paid: $100…..Grade: A-
- First Round Opponent: 49ers
- I really like the Cowboys this year. At their best their defense is a turnover-creating machine and their offense is as explosive as any. At their worst? They are a middle of the road football team. They have a very high floor and are playing a pretty mid San Francisco squad. An even $100 for this team is incredible value. Just keep Dak away from Panama City and the Boys should be How Bout’in teams through the playoffs.
Team: Rams (4)…..Owner: Tyler ????? …..Price Paid: $110…..Grade: B-
- First Round Opponent: Cardinals
- It is just so incredibly tough to love spending $110 on a guy who has historically performed poorly in big spots. Since Stafford is no longer on the Lions, he has lost the “team sucked” safety net. Will that add some pressure? Sure. Enough to cripple the best team he has had around him? Probably not. Even if they get by the train wreck that is the Arizona Cardinals, I am not sure if they got the testicular fortitude to win two games. Also, are we sure Cooper Kupp isn’t Amish? No lip hair, wears blue, works really hard.
Team: Cardinals (5)…..Owner: Justin Gerber…..Price Paid: $50…..Grade: C+
- First Round Opponent: @ Rams
- Congratulations Justin, you bought the best train wreck in the NFL. My goodness this team is in free fall. Good news is that 32-year old, 2-time back surgery recipient J.J. Watt is coming back to the defense. Bad news that they still suck ass and Kliff Kingsburry is the poster boy for why attractive men need to stay out of football. The only thing saving this grade is the fact that you only spend $50 on them.
Team: 49ers (6)…..Owner: Trey Slominski…..Price Paid: $80…..Grade D+
- First Round Opponent: @ Cowboys
- Another Trey team and this one is the worst of the bunch. For $80 you might have a better time with Jimmy G’s girlfriend than watching him play football. If only Brent Musberger were still in the booth to give us a play by play on Jimmy G’s girlfriend. Not only are the 49ers not good, they are also playing a good team in the Cowboys. Shanahan? More like Man-oh-man does this team stink. At least they have the best uniforms in football. That has to count for something.
Team: Eagles (7)…..Owner: Patrick Kaiser…..Price Paid: $40…..Grade: D-
- First Round Opponent: @ Buccaneers
- The only redeeming quality of the Eagles are that they share a city with the show It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Instead of me having to talk about a bad team, here is the gang arguing about the Bible.