Re-ranking Food Mascot Fights

BY: DALTON

 

So, this tweet came along my timeline the other day and it caused quite a stir in my world. While the chart is fairly accurate, there are some issues with it. Here are my rankings of Easiest to Hardest in terms of fighting.

  1. Gerber Baby: Its a fucking baby. I could kick the shit out of 100 of them at once. Light work for me. May use this time to stretch and get ready for tougher opponents
  2. Keebler Elf: Idk if elves can do magic or not, but assuming they cant this is just bizzaro world Gerber Baby. A 2 foot nothing and 11 lbs old man isn’t even gonna leave a scuff on my shoe. And if he does any damage to my clothes, one of his bitch ass sons can make me a new one for Christmas.
  3. Hamburger Helper Hand: This is the first opponent that could actually “hurt” me. If that hand latches around my throat it could give me a little scare, but I just assume its the size of a normal hand so a simple stomp should shatter its bones and life.
  4. Quaker Oats Man: He was ranked far too low. The easiest fight? That’s preposterous because at the end of the day he is a full grown man and will be significantly harder than an elf or a baby.
  5. Sugar Smacks Frog: A frog will never beat me in anything ever. There’s a chance it beats me in a “Most Like A Frog Contest” but even then I like my chances. He could smack me with his tongue, which is pretty gross, but, again, hes a frog.
  6. Jolly Green Giant: Yes, he is a giant. I am aware. But you know what he also is? Jolly. Jolly people don’t/cant fight. Mopping the floor with this green bean eating freak. I probably don’t even have to physically fight him. Just utter a little trash talk and this guy doesn’t know what to do.
  7. Lucky Charms Leprechaun: This is the first opponent where I might lose. Unlike the Keebler Elf, I know this little guy can perform magic. He could transport me to a different dimension and have me fighting in space or some shit. But, just by going off pure size, I should still be a slight favorite.
  8. Pillsbury Dough Boy: The biggest threat from the “Boy” is that he can absorb blows at an astounding rate. Kinda like that Simpsons episode where Homer is a boxer. I may punch and kick long enough that I just die of exhaustion.
  9. Yellow M&M: This dude just ate one of his own species in the latest commercial. I cant compete with that type of crazy.
  10. Bear?: I have no idea what brand this bear represents, but at the end of the day its still a bear. Me vs Bear is the first fight I go in to expecting to lose. If this bear is a black bear though, I have a very tiny chance. But if its a brown bear, plan the funeral yesterday.
  11. Chester Cheeto: This cat is flat out cool. He eats Cheetos and does drugs all day. That type of lifestyle just breeds confidence. I guess it really depends on what type of drugs Chester uses. If I had to guess, I would say that hes a crack or crystal meth guy. At that point, I would just accept my ass beating and beg for mercy.
  12. Red M&M: Remember the cannibalistic yellow one? Who do you think was the brains behind that operation?
  13. Trix Rabbit: This Rabbit will do ANYTHING to get some of that sweet sweet Trix cereal. He would dress in costumes, employ the help of Bugs Bunny, and undoubtedly whoop the ass of anyone who stands in between him and a bowl of sugary breakfast delights.
  14. KFC Colonel: The Colonel has seen some shit in his day. He may also be very tall? I’m not 100% sure but if I had to guess I would assume he is 6’4 and a lean 225. He also dresses sharp and swaggy people are tough to take down i.e. Joseph Stalin.
  15. Burger King King: Hes a king, yes. Kings do king shit. Fact! In order to claim the throne, you gotta kill a few people. I can not, nay, I WILL not get in a ring with a confirmed killer!
  16. Cap’n Crunch: Kind of a combination of the BK King and KFC Colonel. Swaggy and has killed people. Also sprinkle in some of that Lucky Charms magic because how does his cereal stay crunch in milk, Max Kellerman?!?!?
  17. Ronald McDonald: 1. Hes a clown. 2. He is THE clown. 3. How is he in such great shape while being the face of the leading corporation in the WORLD? All these facts point to one thing, he’s the hardest motherfucker out there. You cant get to the top without stepping on all the little people. I am man enough to admit that I am a little person. If I try to fight Ronnie Mac, I will just be another splotch on the bottom of his size 32 shoe.
  18. Mr. Peanut: My father was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. My grandfather was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. My great-grandfather was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. My great-great-grandfather was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. I will not fall victim to the Potocki family curse!
  19. Uncle Ben: Easiest mascot to analyze. He has straight “old man” strength. UB will beat my ass then sit me down and tell me that was because I cheated on an Accelerated Reading test in 4th grade. Not only will he physically beat me down, he will make me feel like I deserved it.
  20. Tony the Tiger: I will not sit here in the eyes of God and claim I can beat a tiger in a fight. I simply will not. No matter what the haters and losers, of which there are many, are claiming, you wont catch me stepping up to that handkerchief-ed feline.
  21. Kool-Aid Man: OH YEA this guy could kick my ass. He is an absolute unit. Mf’er breaks through walls at the drop of a phrase. Anyone who willingly smashes their face through any type of wall, is someone not to be taken lightly. He is aggressive. We can all agree that the red inside him is blood, but the real question is whos blood is it?

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