Can I Exploit the Hostile Political Climate for Financial Gain?

BY: DALTON

For those who don’t want to read how I will become wealthier than someone who works for 40 years, the answer is yes. I can exploit the current political climate for financial gain.

How did this plan come about? I saw a news post about a snow plow driver spraying slush on to some protesters. Naturally I checked out the comments. I would say that every 4th comment was about how someone would contribute to a Go Fund Me if the person was hurting for cash. This is when the light bulb in my big galaxy brain went off. Now, for anyone who wants to look into my plan, here is the step by step outline of how I will become richer than in my wildest dreams.

STEP 1: FIND AN EVENT

  • This is the first and most important step. I have to find out where a liberal or conservative public event is happening. Without a politically charged event, this plan is kaput.

STEP 2: CREATE A FAKE CONTROVERSY

  • Here is where I separate myself from the idiots who actually create controversies. I just lie and say I did something to “expose a racist” or “own a lib”. I don’t have to actually do it. People on the internet are so stupid. The people commenting on the plow driver post aren’t even from the same STATE as where the incident happened and they are willing to give this person money like they saved their child from leprosy. Just to be clear, I will be lying to people about this actually happening. In no way, shape, or form will I get my fat ass out of bed to make a counter-political statement.

STEP 3: CREATE GO FUND ME

  • Business 101: Have a way to monetize.

STEP 4: LOSE MY JOB AKA: LIE AGAIN

  • Obviously, just doing something wont bring in any money. But, you can generate sympathy by saying you lost your job because of your controversy (which is also a lie). People on the internet love giving money to people who act like assholes then have to deal with real world consequences. For example, the Vans employee who told a 14-year old kid wearing a MAGA hat to fuck off and was fired. Whether you agree politically or not doesn’t matter, if you tell a customer that and you aren’t the boss, you will be fired. But guess what? There was a Go Fund Me set up for him. The main formula here is Act Like an Ass+ (Job Acquisitions *-1)= Money from a Go Fund Me. Much like the controversy, this is not real. It is all a lie.

STEP 5: GET A GRASS ROOTS POLITICAL ACCOUNT TO SHARE STORY

  • Again, I cant stress this enough, people on the internet are stupid. People who aren’t famous but have large follower accounts just because they write sassy political tweets may be the dumbest of the bunch. All I would need is for them to retweet the link to my Go Fund Me and then I watch the dollars roll in. Again, this would be a Go Fund Me set up for a FAKE person, doing a FAKE political stunt, and losing their FAKE job, but the money would go into MY bank account. Here in lies the beauty of the plan. People who run and follow these accounts will do ANYTHING to feel righteous and justified in their beliefs. That includes encouraging or positively reinforcing behavior that they agree with. The political climate is so radically charged that people wont even research anything. “Oh, some asshole was acting like an asshole and lost their job? But, they also agree with me politically? I will stick it to the other side of the aisle by giving a stranger money!”. I’m not saying everyone is stupid in a vacuum (I am), but today’s politics have people so blinded that they throw all rationality out the window.

STEP 6: REPEAT UNTIL I CAN RETIRE

  • No one is going to fact check this shit. I figure I can do about 12 of these a year and if I get about $10,000/controversy, I should be able to bank about $600,000 by the end of the Trump era (assuming he gets re-elected). But, I think the political radicalism will extend to one more president after Trump. So, I should be able to retire by 2034 with around $1.5 million in my nice little nest egg. If a few things break my way in both the market and in how much people are willing to give to stupid causes, I could possibly retire before 2030. Its a lofty goal, but I believe in the stupidity of the internet. It hasn’t failed me yet.

 

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