So, the discussion of Little Debbie snacks broke out at work the other day. Obviously, everyone had their opinions on which snacks were better than others. Even more obviously, most of their opinions were wrong. I couldn’t include EVERY single thing Little Debbie makes in that magical kitchen of hers, but I decided to rank the 10 snacks you will find at almost every gas station. Here is the definitive Little Debbie snack rankings:
10. Fudge Round
What the fuck are these things? They are like Oatmeal Creme Pie’s drug addicted cousin that lives in a trailer park and only comes around when it needs money and always has random scabs and bruises. It is supposed to be fudge-y and creamy. Not only is it not tasty, but there are other LD snacks that satisfy those tastes so much better. This is the only bad snack on the list.
9. Apple Pie
Pretty straight forward. LD doesn’t do fruit pies extraordinarily well. Any fast food chain has a pie that is better than this, but in a pinch, it works.
8. Powdered Sugar Donuts
Much like the apple pie, there isn’t a whole lot to dive in to here. They are pretty good donuts for a really good price. Powdered sugar are the best kind of mini donuts, don’t come at me with that chocolate dipped shit.
7. Brownie w/ Nuts
The first snack on the list where Little Debbie starts to put its products ahead of the pack. The brownie is the base and the highlight of this snack. Dense and fudge-y, the brownie is contrasted nicely with the crunch and saltiness of the walnuts.
6. Zebra Cakes
Zebra Cakes are an overload of sugar. From the frosting on the outside to the cream on the inside, everything is super sweet. Not to say that’s a bad thing. I love a single Zebra Cake. The fact the you can only eat one, without making your stomach feel likes its getting punched by prime Tyson, knocks it down a few spots in the rankings.
5. Nutty Buddy
Chocolate, peanut butter, wafers. No extra bells and whistles here. It has three simple things, but it does those things REALLY REALLY well.
4. Cosmic Brownie
Now we enter the Mt.Rushmore of Little Debbie snacks. These next four are the best of the brand and in a different tier of elite. Laughing down upon all the other lowly snacks. The first to laugh is the Cosmic Brownie. A staple in both soccer snack and American culture. This brownie improves upon its lame cousin, the Fudge Brownie with Walnuts. It took the best parts (the brownie) and improved upon the weak parts (replacing nuts with candied chocolates). Rock solid from top to bottom, you can never go wrong with the Cosmic Brownie.
3. Swiss Roll
The Swiss Roll is great right off the shelves, that’s why it is in the top 4 of the rankings. The real value comes when they come out of the freezer. When frozen, a Swiss Roll is like a mini ice cream cake. The cream and cake is obviously a time tested classic. But, the hard chocolate outside is what puts this snack ahead of the rest.
2. Star Crunch
Underappreciated and under-consumed, the Star Crunch brings nothing but delight with every bite. The chocolate, caramel, and crisp rice combination is really only utilized in a 100 Grand bar. Star Crunch is exactly like a 100 Grand Bar only bigger and tastier. The fact you have the wrapper as a mini glove to protect your hand from chocolate is a HUGE bonus for this. But, wrapper or not, the Star Crunch is strong enough to be in the top 2.
1. Oatmeal Creme Pie
The cream of the crop. The tip of the top on the tower of power. “YOU DOWN WITH OCP? YEA YOU KNOW ME!”. There are endless ways to say how great the Oatmeal Creme Pie is, but the best way to do so is to shame people who don’t think its #1 in the rankings. The soft oatmeal cookie with the rich creme is basically heaven in a plastic wrap. If you took an OCP back to the Greeks and Romans, they would denounce all the Gods they had previously worshiped and build shrines to both you and the 50 cent pastry you time traveled with. Not only is the original so good, Little Debbie went and made the Big Pack OCPs. More cookie and more creme. WOWZA! I can fall in love with almost any of the snacks on this list, but only one has my heart. Here’s to you, Oatmeal Creme Pie. May you live a long and prosperous life. May you continue to bring delight and joy to future generations. May you never be expelled from gas stations and convenience stores around the nation. Amen.