BY: DALTON

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So, to set the scene: This happened in a basketball group chat where the person being burned talked about calling fouls. He was talking about push offs and the such. Then, another person, some may call him God, delivered a verbal ass whooping of a life time. They talk about generational talents, but folks, this burn is a geological time talent. If you are behind on your geological time, the typical geological era lasts between 100-200 million years.

Now, onto the burn itself.

  1. Nice job by the Burner to set up burn. Starts by addressing the burnee by name. This makes it clear as to who is gonna get torched. When you spit absolute flames on a daily basis, you have to make sure the barrel is pointing in the right direction. No reason on ending a mans life when you don’t need to.
  2. Making it personal is a key step in this burn. By saying that the burnee has never stayed in front of anyone and “surely not me” makes this burn come from the heart.
  3. The double space. “Not sure you could guard (double space)” This can not, NOT, be over looked. Building anticipation is something that a true show man does. The pageantry is only beginning folks.
  4. “Tur-tle” I’m not sure if the hyphenation of turtle was intentional but, hot damn, it made the punchline land even that much more. The first time I read it, I was hanging on by the edge of my seat. He couldn’t guard a tur-WHAT? A turnip? A Turkish man? None of these folks, the burner went with a kill shot. A turtle. One of the slowest animals known to man kind. Take a look:

 

5. The capital LOL. I’m not sure I’ve seen anything so disrespectful in my life. He was LAUGHING OUT LOUD at the fact that the burnee may have the slowest feet for a guard he’s ever seen. If it was just a regular, all lower case “lol” then it could be seen as more of a formality at the end of a text. But the all upper case “LOL” puts the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

 

There you have it folks, a comprehensive breakdown of the greatest burn of all time. At this time, we should all take a moment of silence for the person who got burned.

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RIP Guard With the Slowest Feet. We hardly knew ye.