First Applebee’s, Then the World


Via NPR– 

Applebee’s announced this month that more than 130 of its restaurants will close by the end of the year.

The chain aimed to lure “a more youthful and affluent demographic with a more independent or even sophisticated dining mindset, including a clear pendulum swing towards millennials,” he said.

“From my perspective, this pursuit led to decisions that created confusion among core guests as Applebee’s intentionally drifted from its … middle-America roots and its abundant value positioning,” Cywinski said.

In other words, millennials didn’t go for it, and the regulars got turned off.


We did it! We millennials killed Applebees! Ding dong the witch is dead! Now that we have made our first strike, we may as well reveal our agenda. Obviously, the first step in our plan to cripple all that is right and good in this world is to take down Applebees. The Neighborhood Grill was the first line of defense. Now that families don’t have a place to sit down and pay above average money for below average food, shits gonna hit the fan. Mom is gonna become a porn star, Dad starts slinging meth on the corner, little Johnny dropped out of school and robs parking meters with his street tough friends, and Jane now hates her family and herself and has become a recluse. So now that we finally killed the traditional family via Applebees, we, the triggered millennials, will focus our attention on another beacon of American tradition, napkins. Where the hell are people gonna wipe their dirty ass hands? Their pants? HA. Once we get rid of napkins the only thing people can do to clean their hands is die. That’s when we make our final push for generational supremacy. I’m sorry to my fellow millennials for revealing our plans but I do love my parents so I just kind of wanted to give them a heads up before I become Supreme Chancellor of the World and have to put them in jail.

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