Dalton Does America: Day 1

June 10th, 2017

2:00 pm EST: Pick up rental vehicle. It’s a Dodge Grand Caravan and Dad is absolutely elated that it’s not an import.


2:30 pm EST: Dad hasn’t stopped talking about what a beautiful vehicle the mini-van is.


5:45 pm EST: Stop for Dinner-ish. Eating sandwiches in a Tim Horton’s parking lot. Got Tim’s afterwards. Was managed by a guy named Tom Brady. Hmmmmm.


7:30 pm EST: Dad complains about how cocky semi drivers are and how U-Haul lets anyone drive their trucks. I promptly show him the Family Guy U-Haul clip.


7:34 pm EST: Devon and Dad have their first fight. It’s over the volume of the music. “Yea, its gets pretty loud back here. Have you ever sat in the back of your van?”-Devon said in a real sarcastic tone. Dad retorts, “If its too loud, you’re too old”. The music is Dean Martin.


7:06 pm CST: Traffic is backed up at a tollbooth just outside of Chicago. I take this time to bring up that tollbooth workers have the highest rate of suicide per worker. Pretty sure this isn’t a fact but I heard it once when I was younger so therefore, fact.


7:41 pm CST: Whole car starts bitching about how the roads in Michigan suck


7:44 pm CST: Wilmington, Ill. Stop to see the Gemini Giant, the first of the muffler men giants, and he is GLORIOUS


8:02 pm CST: Braidwood, Ill. Picture at the Polk-A-Dot Drive Inn. Elvis was rumored to die here.


8:25 pm CST: Gardner, Ill. Visited a 2-cell jail constructed in 1905. Per the recording, “No real dangerous desperados were held here”. No chance this little building could hold these guns (slaps biceps)!


8:44 pm CST: Dwight, Ill. Stopped at the Ambler Texaco station. Heard about how the wife would cook food for stranded motorists and the husband would give out candy to kids. Not in business to make money, in it to make a living.


9:38 pm CST: Dad makes the usual complaint that every product he loves gets discontinued. While it seems far-fetched, I have to kind of agree with him.


10:10 pm CST: Atlanta, Ill. “Dad, there’s another muffler man in Atlanta” “If he’s the same we’re not going to stop” “This one has a hot dog” “I’m putting it in the GPS now”


10:30 pm CST: Lincoln, Ill. World’s Largest Covered Wagon. Voted #1 roadside attraction by Reader’s Digest. I’m a sucker for World’s (adjective) anything.


11:14 pm CST: Springfield, Ill. Morale is running low. Devon is asleep. Dad asks if I really want to stop, I give an “absolutely” with great authority. I wasn’t going to miss the 3rd and final muffler man.


12:15 am CST: Litchfield, Ill. Mom finesses the lady at the front desk of the Hampton Inn to get us a room for $70. Thus concludes day one.

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