BY:DALTON I haven’t written an angry Lions recap blog in a very long time. Probably have to go back a couple seasons but here we are. What happened on Monday night was different. This one… More
So, this tweet came along my timeline the other day and it caused quite a stir in my world. While the chart is fairly accurate, there are some issues with it. Here are my rankings of Easiest to Hardest in terms of fighting.
- Gerber Baby: Its a fucking baby. I could kick the shit out of 100 of them at once. Light work for me. May use this time to stretch and get ready for tougher opponents
- Keebler Elf: Idk if elves can do magic or not, but assuming they cant this is just bizzaro world Gerber Baby. A 2 foot nothing and 11 lbs old man isn’t even gonna leave a scuff on my shoe. And if he does any damage to my clothes, one of his bitch ass sons can make me a new one for Christmas.
- Hamburger Helper Hand: This is the first opponent that could actually “hurt” me. If that hand latches around my throat it could give me a little scare, but I just assume its the size of a normal hand so a simple stomp should shatter its bones and life.
- Quaker Oats Man: He was ranked far too low. The easiest fight? That’s preposterous because at the end of the day he is a full grown man and will be significantly harder than an elf or a baby.
- Sugar Smacks Frog: A frog will never beat me in anything ever. There’s a chance it beats me in a “Most Like A Frog Contest” but even then I like my chances. He could smack me with his tongue, which is pretty gross, but, again, hes a frog.
- Jolly Green Giant: Yes, he is a giant. I am aware. But you know what he also is? Jolly. Jolly people don’t/cant fight. Mopping the floor with this green bean eating freak. I probably don’t even have to physically fight him. Just utter a little trash talk and this guy doesn’t know what to do.
- Lucky Charms Leprechaun: This is the first opponent where I might lose. Unlike the Keebler Elf, I know this little guy can perform magic. He could transport me to a different dimension and have me fighting in space or some shit. But, just by going off pure size, I should still be a slight favorite.
- Pillsbury Dough Boy: The biggest threat from the “Boy” is that he can absorb blows at an astounding rate. Kinda like that Simpsons episode where Homer is a boxer. I may punch and kick long enough that I just die of exhaustion.
- Yellow M&M: This dude just ate one of his own species in the latest commercial. I cant compete with that type of crazy.
- Bear?: I have no idea what brand this bear represents, but at the end of the day its still a bear. Me vs Bear is the first fight I go in to expecting to lose. If this bear is a black bear though, I have a very tiny chance. But if its a brown bear, plan the funeral yesterday.
- Chester Cheeto: This cat is flat out cool. He eats Cheetos and does drugs all day. That type of lifestyle just breeds confidence. I guess it really depends on what type of drugs Chester uses. If I had to guess, I would say that hes a crack or crystal meth guy. At that point, I would just accept my ass beating and beg for mercy.
- Red M&M: Remember the cannibalistic yellow one? Who do you think was the brains behind that operation?
- Trix Rabbit: This Rabbit will do ANYTHING to get some of that sweet sweet Trix cereal. He would dress in costumes, employ the help of Bugs Bunny, and undoubtedly whoop the ass of anyone who stands in between him and a bowl of sugary breakfast delights.
- KFC Colonel: The Colonel has seen some shit in his day. He may also be very tall? I’m not 100% sure but if I had to guess I would assume he is 6’4 and a lean 225. He also dresses sharp and swaggy people are tough to take down i.e. Joseph Stalin.
- Burger King King: Hes a king, yes. Kings do king shit. Fact! In order to claim the throne, you gotta kill a few people. I can not, nay, I WILL not get in a ring with a confirmed killer!
- Cap’n Crunch: Kind of a combination of the BK King and KFC Colonel. Swaggy and has killed people. Also sprinkle in some of that Lucky Charms magic because how does his cereal stay crunch in milk, Max Kellerman?!?!?
- Ronald McDonald: 1. Hes a clown. 2. He is THE clown. 3. How is he in such great shape while being the face of the leading corporation in the WORLD? All these facts point to one thing, he’s the hardest motherfucker out there. You cant get to the top without stepping on all the little people. I am man enough to admit that I am a little person. If I try to fight Ronnie Mac, I will just be another splotch on the bottom of his size 32 shoe.
- Mr. Peanut: My father was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. My grandfather was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. My great-grandfather was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. My great-great-grandfather was killed by a legume in a top hat/monocle/cane. I will not fall victim to the Potocki family curse!
- Uncle Ben: Easiest mascot to analyze. He has straight “old man” strength. UB will beat my ass then sit me down and tell me that was because I cheated on an Accelerated Reading test in 4th grade. Not only will he physically beat me down, he will make me feel like I deserved it.
- Tony the Tiger: I will not sit here in the eyes of God and claim I can beat a tiger in a fight. I simply will not. No matter what the haters and losers, of which there are many, are claiming, you wont catch me stepping up to that handkerchief-ed feline.
- Kool-Aid Man: OH YEA this guy could kick my ass. He is an absolute unit. Mf’er breaks through walls at the drop of a phrase. Anyone who willingly smashes their face through any type of wall, is someone not to be taken lightly. He is aggressive. We can all agree that the red inside him is blood, but the real question is whos blood is it?
Rutgers @ Michigan: Not sure what you want me to say about Michigan football at this point that hasn’t been said on twitter dot com already. Last week was deflating. I thought they were gonna lose but the fact that Michigan wasn’t even prepared to share a stadium with the Badgers hurt. It was a sobering moment. We, as Michigan fans, need to look in the mirror and be serious about where the program is at and we may have to redefine our definition of “success”. At least, that’s where I am at. This crossroads of what I believe in and what reality is. Anyways, Michigan rolls this week because Rutgers stinks.
Indiana @ Michigan State: Honestly, I was in so much despair last Saturday that I did not watch any MSU. But, judging by the box score they did alright. Its a home game and, much like Michigan’s opponent, its Indiana. Indiana is much better than Rutgers, don’t get me wrong. They are just also a program that doesn’t know how to win. I don’t see MSU losing this game. I could see it being a frustrating day if the offense comes off the tracks though. Give me MSU by double digits.
Kansas City @ Detroit: This is the game of the weekend for Michigan natives. Two undefeated titans will battle it out for NFL supremacy. OK, well, maybe it isn’t that serious but it is a big time “prove it” game for the Lions. Mahomes is one of the greatest quarterbacks these two eyes have ever seen and on top of that they have nothing but speed on the offensive side of the ball. This is the biggest game in the Matt Patricia era and since the Lions last playoff game. It will be difficult, but there is some light at the end of the tunnel. This Chiefs defense isnt stout. Theyre giving up 6.2 ypc so the Lions should be able to play a little bit of ball control and keep that potent KC offense on the sideline. I expect it to be a one score game for most of the game but, alas, the Chiefs march towards their quest of league domination. Fear not, the Lions make a statement that they are here to compete on a week-in week-out basis. But, I’d be lying if I said in my heart of hearts I didnt have the Lions winning. Lets roll.
NFL Gambling Picks:
Season Record (9-6)
Since gambling is all the rage online now, here are my picks for the weekend. Spreads are courtesy of Bovada:
LA Chargers (-14.5) @ Miami
Carolina @ Houston (-4)
Seattle @ Arizona (+4)
Cowboys (-3) @ New Orleans
Browns (+7) @ Baltimore
Michigan @ Wisconsin: This is the first big test for the Wolverines this season. After squeaking by Army, Michigan took a bye week to try and get their offense straightened out. To me, this is the second biggest game of Harbaugh’s tenure at Michigan. That offense the first two weeks looked putrid and, honestly, it looked like Harbaugh still had a lot of influence on the play calling. Run after run after run after run. No creativity and no speed in space. But, on Saturday they can dispel all the negativity with an offensive outburst. It wont be easy considering Wisco had the number one defense in all the land, but Michigan just needs to show us an ounce of offensive creativity and I think the majority of the Michigan faithful will be back in on Gattis. Defensively, it will be interesting to see how Michigan does upfront against this Badgers’ offensive line. Wisconsin always has and always will have a great line to run behind. Stopping them and Heisman hopeful running back Johnathan Taylor will be difficult to put it lightly. I really don’t like this match-up for Michigan considering they have a speedier defensive front. The size might be too much. Unless the offense can be all that we dreamed it could be at the beginning of the season, Wisconsin might roll. I think Wisconsin defends its home field by a field goal.
Michigan State @ Northwestern: Oof that was a rough one last week for the Spartans. Just when everyone thought that Dantonio and the offense had figured it out, they set football back by 15 years. I really dont know if its coaching or lack of talent but something is seriously, seriously wrong on the attacking side of the ball. At this point, you have to wonder if MSU would just be better off only playing defense all game and trying to score via pick six. The defense is still as advertised. Did they give up a game winning drive to Arizona State in the final minutes of the game? Yes, but they played so strongly throughout the whole game that the levy was going to eventually break at some point. The offense did them absolutely no favors. As for Northwestern, I have no clue what kind of team they have this year. I just know that Pat Fitzgerald at home is never any easy out. Just off of recency bias for MSU and a general perception of NU, I think both Michigan based colleges take a loss on the road this week.
Lions @ Eagles: What a sloppy but fun win for the Lions last week! Not often do we see the Lions snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Typically the other way around. Maybe, just maybe, the tie with Arizona was a wake up call for this team. While the game against the Chargers wasn’t the most inspiring of performances but there were a lot of positives to take from it. All that being said, I like the Lions this week against the Eagles. On paper, the Eagles are a better team. No doubt about it. But they have an injury report a mile long and this early in the season, I think it means even more when a team is injured. They say that in early season football, games are won in the 4th quarter. Which ever team makes the most plays in the final 15 minutes typically wins the game i.e. Lions vs Chargers. So with Philly having so many key players out, I am going to favor the Lions in this one. Having to rely on backups to make big plays is a dangerous game. All the Lions need to do is get a little pressure on Wentz and they can walk out of Philly unscathed.*
*record wise, any team or fan that goes to Philly is at risk of being beaten to death because they uttered the word “Detroit”.
NFL Gambling Picks:
Season Record (4-1)
Since gambling is all the rage online now, here are my picks for the weekend. Spreads are courtesy of Bovada:
Detroit +6 @ Philadelphia
Houston @ LA Chargers -3
LA Rams -3.5 @ Cleveland
Chicago @ Washington +4
Miami @ Dallas -23.5
BY: DALTON POTOCKI
There are reasons that I missed some usually scheduled blogs the past few weeks. That reason? Work. Yea, I have a job where I make money. Not a lot of money, but enough to pay the bills. I have a free 20 minutes or so, so heres the first Friday Football Preview of 2019!
Michigan vs BYE: Thank god. If Michigan played Wisconsin this week, they might lose by 100. This is the perfect time for the offense to get their shit together, hold on to the ball, and actually start calling some different plays. It has been so frustrating watching this team. Yea, they are in shotgun but they still run it in between the tackles every play so has anything actually changed? The defense is fine.
Arizona State @ MSU: The Spartans might be legit this year. We all knew their defense was gonna be one of the best in the Big 10, but now they have a shot at being one of the best in the nation at the end of the season. The biggest surprise though was the offense last week. It looked pretty fresh and Lewerke showed why people were so high on him after his senior season. I expect MSU to absolutely roll this game.
Chargers @ Lions: The Lions tied, yes. But, believe it or not, there were a lot of positives to take away from the Cardinals game. The offense looked good and the play calling was balanced for 75% of the game. The “time out” drive was pretty impressive for the fact that the Lions were able to run the ball very well despite Arizona knowing they were trying to run it. The defense looked great until they took their foot off the gas. It just seemed like the errors in that game were brought on by the coaching staff and those errors are much easier to fix than having players who don’t make plays. The Chargers are pretty beat up coming into this one but Phil Rivers and his merry band of children still can move the ball up and down the field. The defense is quite good too with Bosa and Ingram on the line. If Decker cant play or plays like he did last week, it will be a long day for Stafford. All that being said, I like the Lions a lot in this spot. Big time “prove it” week for both the players and the staff.
NFL Gambling Picks:
Since gambling is all the rage online now, here are my picks for the weekend. Spreads are courtesy of Bovada:
Green Bay -3 vs Minnesota
Miami +19.5 vs New England
Lions +1.5 vs Los Angeles
Jaguars +8.5 @ Texans
Browns -7 @ Jets
The blazing summer sun has significantly cooled and the sweeping winds bring a certain bite. But what is it exactly in the wind that you feel? Is it the changing of the seasons? Its certainly possible. With the season change comes cooler weather. But, I don’t think that’s what is giving this invisible gust its tinge. There is an energy that follows the late summer gales. From experience, that isn’t the start of school. No, this unidentifiable force is something that brings along the heights of Mt. Kilimanjaro and the depths of the Mariana Trench. This is no fleeting feeling. These winds bring something to stay. In the whirlwind of changing seasons, football stops, stays, and takes over every tangible breath.
Every new season brings the one thing that most fans lose after a couple months; hope. Maybe, just some way, there is a path for your favorite team to capture the championship. Whether it be through pure dominant force or that every other team had a slew of injuries, there is always a way. Sure, you can lie to everyone and say your team is “going through a rebuilding year” or that “if they catch a lucky break they might be able to contend”, but deep down in the pits of your soul, you’re thinking there’s a way. It’s this weird thing we do with sports. The saying goes “expect the best but prepare for the worst” and it is a mighty fine way to live life. In football though, its sort of flipped. Prepare for the worst but expect the best.
Do I know that the Lions will not win the Super Bowl this year? Yes. I do. It sucks. BUT, maybe. What if Patricia’s defensive philosophies continue to grow and the Lions have a top 5 defense? What if Bevell is the coordinator that can finally maximize Stafford in his 10th and most important season? Hell, Kerryon Johnson was one of the best backs last year before he got hurt and in this fan’s mind that is certainly a sustainable pace. The Lions got better this off season, that’s not me just slurring my words while drunk on Honolulu Blue Kool-Aid. Sure, a lot of other teams in the NFL got better too, but that’s not fun to think about. Then I start thinking about past seasons. The Eagles came out of no where to win the Super Bowl, same thing with Ravens a few years back. I tell myself that the NFL is this weird and wacky league where anything can happen. If you come up and ask me how I think the Lions will do this year, I’ll probably tell ya 8-8 because I know that’s the right prediction. But, if you asked my soul, you may have to lock me up into an insane asylum. Hope.
It feels like Michigan will never be able to beat Ohio State. I told myself after last year’s implosion that I’ll never get excited for Michigan football until they actually beat OSU. Then all of a sudden here comes Josh Gattis and this new offense that will be the best of all worlds. It will have big plays, tempo, ball control, and Speed in Space™. That receiving group is too good to fail. Don Brown says that he’s done some soul searching and knows what he did wrong. He is going to go to more zone and respect the speed of opposing offenses. Dax Hill is just Jabril Peppers but bigger. I mean, yea, the defensive line lost its stars, but the depth of this years team! Now there is nothing but anticipation and National Championship aspirations. That’s whats great about college football too. Each season can be drastically different. You’re not dealing with contracts and free agents. You’re dealing with boys turning in to men. A crap shoot on genetics. There is this aura of the unknown that blankets college football like Jourdan Lewis on George Rushing. Weird, right? 8 months ago I thought Michigan would never be able to cross the bottomless pit of morals that is Ohio State. I was corpse of a fan. Now? There isn’t a doubt in my mind that we run them off the field in November. Its crazy. Its wild. It cant be measured or captured. Hope.
While it is so much fun to let the mind run wild, wanna know the best part about football season? Its the ride. The ups and downs of a 12 and 16 game season. If your college loses on Saturday, maybe your favorite NFL can win on Sunday and salvage the weekend. If they both win, you cant wait until next weekend. If they both lose? Lord help you. It’s watching games that may help your team in a tie breaker down the road. Its rooting for The Citadel to put a scare into Florida to knock them down a couple spots in the polls. Think about that for a second. Not rooting for the Citadel to WIN, it would be awesome if they did, but rooting them to just keep it competitive for 75% of a football game so 12 humans in a remote location may read the narrative that your favorite team is inherently better than a different team based on nothing but perception. The texts between four different group chats that are all essentially saying the same thing, either the sky is limit or its crashing down harder than the NCAA on a student athlete who put non-approved peanut butter on his bagel. That’s a 4-game suspension! The tailgating hours and hours before a game. The copious amounts of food and beer consumed while telling war stories about the best and worst games you’ve been to in person. Giving a complete stranger a hug like you’re seeing a long lost sibling for the first time in years simply because a man, who gets paid more in a year than you’ll ever make, kicked an oblong ball through two poles from 126 feet away as an arbitrary amount of time ticks off a digital display. The best part about football is everything about football. Will both of my favorite teams season end short of where I want them to? Probably not. But, hot damn, am I gonna have a good time along the way.
With the 4th of July right around the corner (tomorrow) its time to put out into the blog-sphere the Mount Rushmore of sides. I have to do a Mount Rushmore because I simply cant power rank them. Too much variability from side to side but this is just going off of my consensus. But why sides? Well, the sides at a cookout can make or break the entire event. You could have the best meats in the world but if that potato salad is shit, you’re going to have an awful time. On the reverse though, if the meats are bad but sides are good, you can fill up on sides no problem. There have been many times where I’ve went through the food line once, finished my plate, then went back for only sides. Don’t get me wrong, you cant have a cook out without meats. Cant do it, but the sides are a huge factor. I would say a good cookout is weighed out 50% meats, 40% sides, and 10% drinks. That being said, here’s the Mount Rushmore of cook out sides:
POTATO SALAD: An absolute staple. I really dont care about the type of potato salad either. It could be Amish, loaded, redskin, american, mustard-based, or mayo-based. It will always have a spot on my flimsy paper plate and in my heart.
MACARONI SALAD: Similar to the potato salad, it really doesnt matter what variation of this salad is out there as long as it stays loyal to its roots. Macaroni salad can be deep, flavorful, and light all at the same time. If you can get a mayo-based macaroni salad and pair it with a mustard-based potato salad, you may as well be in Heaven.
COLESLAW: This one could take some heat because I know a decent contingent of people, some I would even call friends, that dont like coleslaw. I feel I speak for the sane Americans when I say it is a top tier side. Again, doesnt matter to me if its mayo-based or vinegar-based. I like it all. You can also get a little CRaZy with it and put the slaw on your burger.
CORN (ON THE COB): Any corn here is fine, but on the cob is the most dominant form. Throw some butter on there and youre cooking with absolute gas. The sweeter and juicier the better. Pro tip: Sprinkle a little garlic salt on the corn after the butter. You wont regret it!
TOUGHEST CUTS: Baked Beans, Watermelon, Grapes, Grilled Veggies
I cant tell if I’m just not caring as much as I get older or what, but the reaction to the Pistons 1st round pick seemed exactly like the Lions 2nd round pick in their respective draft. A resounding “who?”. For the Lions it was a Hawaiian linebacker and for the Pistons its a French swing-man. Sekou Doumbouya is the newest Detroit Piston and after staring at my TV for 2 minutes trying to figure out how to pronounce his name, Twitter came through and told me that this was a really good pick. Obviously it wasn’t universal praise, you cant please everyone. Here was the positive line of thinking: It was a good pick because he is a top 10 talent, he is raw but should develop into something. The negative line of thinking was: He might bust and if he doesn’t, his window doesn’t fit with Blake and Andre’s.
I am not here to tell you how to think. If I were, they would call me the Emperor of Thought. Alas, all you simpletons have to form your own dumb ideas. But MY thoughts on it are on the positive side. Many analysts pegged him as a lottery talent and the Pistons themselves even said that they were surprised that Sekou was there at 15. Do I think that his timeline matches up with the current Piston’s core? No. Now, that’s not to say he takes some early jumps and become a legit player within a year or two. But, I do think he is athletic enough to help right away. I like that the front office was able to take one of the best players available, address a team need (wing length+depth), and still kept an eye towards the future. I do think Sekou can be a top 50 player in the league. He has the body, the athleticism, and, from all accounts, the drive to want to get better. For player comparisons, I would say his high side is Pascal Siakam and his low side is Stanley Johnson.
The Pistons also traded some picks and got another Euro, Deividas Sirvydis, then drafted former Tennessee point guard Jordan Bone. Deividas sounds like he is going to stay in Europe for another year to develop. The jury is still out, for me, on this pick. If he can come over and be a legitimate shooter, then its a hell of a pick. As for Bone, he was the 57th pick in the draft. If he can contribute at all in the NBA its a win.
Sekou Doumbouya: B+
Deividas Sirvydis: N/A
Jordan Bone: B-
Obviously I am going to include highlight reels:
Hey everyone, I realize the blog has been light so I am just going to do a weekly Twitter ranking. These are the ten best tweets from the last week.
10. Mature Franklin
9. Our Respectful King
The man is on an absolute missile to the moon. He is blowing up everywhere. He is being added to all types of movies, video games, you name it and hes in it. Also, is a HUGE respecter of women. Wont ever catch MY PRESIDENT slipping.
8. Klay Star
I don’t have many rules I live by, but one of them is to always retweet the Klay Thompson x Patrick Star cross over pic. Death, Taxes, Klay Star Retweets.
7. Ford Steering Wheel Recall
To understand why this tweet is great, watch this:
6. Anne Frank’s Diary
They do say that narratives are everything.
Power Ranking the bravest people in the world: 1. People who manually control CBs in a video game 2. Random cameramen around Richie Incognito 3. Troops 4. People who went into the largest nuclear radiation disaster in history to save millions of innocent lives/this planet
4. Hotel Charging
Show me one hotel this doesn’t apply to, I’ll wait.
3. Trump and Mars
Started with Trump saying that we should never go to the Moon because we’ve already been there, then he lumped in the Moon and Mars, then just perfect execution of reference and gif out of my brother. This is why Twitter was invented.
2. Defensive Backfields
Not only is this tweet the pure truth, the video is moving in to automatic retweet territory. Absolutely love these goofs and their kind-of-good-kind-of-bad dance moves.
Its been a phenomenal week for tweets involving Chernobyl. We already saw a mention in the bravery section. Its cross regional in these rankings. But the three tweets above are the tip of the top, the creme of the crop for the week. The weed is worse than nuclear radiation tweet had me dying, figuratively. I still get a chuckle out of Alex Berenson thinking he had the tweet that would finally end the use of marijuana. He thought he nailed it. This was the death shot, mic drop, and bomb (pun intended) to put to bed all this weed smoking tom foolery. Then the other two tweets about the Instagram influencers going there to take pictures is a perfect display of how these people lack self awareness. The one thing I love more than the internet is when the internet makes fun of the internet. That chick barely had on any clothes in the most nuclear-ly polluted place on the planet lmao. Just go look at some of the replies as a great way to waste time and get a chuckle.
To start off, this blog would not be possible without the generous donation from a certain Will “Billy Dicks” Richards. I appreciate the love and appreciation from someone who self-described themselves as “the most extra person you know”. So, if you see Will, tell him thanks for the content and if you are in the Lansing area, stop into a Burger King!
To be completely honest, I was not very familiar with the Wonka candy family. I knew they had Runts and Nerds. Well, buddy, my eyes have been opened. I could have obviously tried to rank these off the top of my head, but it would have been a two-item list. Thanks to the donation from Billy Dicks, I can do my journalistic due diligence and properly rank these candies. I am doing this at 7 pm at night so if you have any questions or complaints, I will probably be up all night from the sugar spike. Unlike my Little Debbie rankings, I will try these and rank them in real time (real time to me, not you ya bozo). While trying these it became very apparent that there were tiers within the rankings, there were large gaps in between numbers.
THESE SUCK TIER:
12. Pixie Stix
It is literally slightly flavored sugar. That’s it. Then sometimes the paper tube gets wet and stuck at the end and you can’t get any. Poor in all facets.
11. Fun Dip
Slightly flavored sugar but with a hard candy dipping stick. A minimal upgrade from the Pixie Stix.
I WOULD PREFER TO NOT EAT THESE BUT I NEED MY SUGAR FIX TIER:
10. Laffy Taffy
While ranked 10/12, I was pleasantly surprised that Laffy Taffy didn’t finish dead last. I hate taffy but Laffy Taffy wasnt as bad as I remembered. I would eat if I were dying. The jokes still suck. If they started putting in edgier jokes, they may jump up a spot. Your move, Willy.
11. SweetTarts Ropes
I was very optimistic about this candy. I thought they were going to be a little more flavorful but they were just kind of blah. They had decent taste and texture but the name would lead me to believe they were much tastier.
“YEA, ILL GRAB A FEW OF THOSE” TIER
8. Bottle Caps
The first tier of candy where I will actively seek them out. Bottle Caps are a classic. The more modest cousin of the SweetTart. A little chalky but I feel that adds to the flavor. Grape is obviously the prize gem of this candy.
7. SweetTarts Original
They’re SweetTarts. Not amazing but far from horrible. Don’t know what else to tell ya here.
GOOD CANDY TIER
6. SweetTarts Extreme Sour Chewy (Shockers)
After consulting with Will Richards, I learned that these were previously known as Shockers. I love them, but they dropped a few spots because I ate too many and my mouth turned raw. Please it in moderation.
Fruity and crunch isn’t a combination seen too often in the world of sweets but Runts pulls it off to perfection. The best flavor is banana and I won’t hear otherwise. The biggest downside is you can’t eat these while watching TV, on account of the crunching noise.
CHOOSING THESE OVER CHOCOLATE TIER:
Everlasting and tasty! You get a box of these and they might last you a calendar year. By far the best bang-for-your-buck candy on this list. I have no idea what they are made of and how they layer the flavors. I’m just going to assume its sugar and high fructose corn syrup.
3. SweetTarts Mini Chewy
Chewy is my favorite type of fruity candy. Sweet, tart, chewy, and you can fit a million of them in your mouth at a time. These are just like Shockers except not sour and you can eat them forever (until you die of diabetes).
I figured going into the testing, this would be near the top. They were. Crunchy and sweet and so tiny. The texture of each Nerd is imperfectly perfect. Get a nice little mixture of the different flavors. Much like Bottle Caps, the grape is the best flavor.
- Nerds Rope
Just Nerds on a chewy, tasty rope. It is the perfect mixture of chewy and crunchy. There should be no surprise that with Nerds placing second, Nerds Rope finished first. It took what was already great and just added another dominant piece to itself. This is a lazy comparison but think the Warriors adding Durrant.
So, the NFL Draft happened a few days ago. First off, I would like to thank Mr. Crespi for hosting/cooking for me. Secondly, Nashville looked like there was no less than a trillion people there for the draft.
Here’s how shit is gonna go down in this blog, I’m going to touch on each round, give each a grade, and give an overall grade at the end. Fair warning, I will probably be higher on a few of these picks than others because, for some reason, I am a Lions optimist. Obviously, these are subject to change if each pick becomes a perennial pro-bowler but all we have is now so deal with it, I guess.
- First Round: T.J. Hockenson, TE, Iowa, Pick 8
- Let me be perfectly clear, Hockenson will be a fine NFL player. There is no reason to think he wont be an instant competitor and could possibly be a top 10 TE by the end of the season. This pick just hurt a little bit for a couple of reasons. The first being that we almost had UK pass rusher Josh Allen. He was an absolute dream scenario. The other is that Ed Oliver could make this pick exactly like Ebron/Aaron Donald. In Patricia’s system, Hockenson will be a valuable asset but considering the recent TE draft history, if Oliver becomes an All-Pro, Hockenson will always be remembered as the guy we picked instead of Oliver or even Devin Bush. As fair or unfair that it is, its the way it will be. All that being said, they addressed one of their biggest needs with the best TE in the draft, so its worth something
- GRADE: B-
- Second Round: Jahlani Tavai, LB, Hawaii, Pick 43
- After the collective “who?!?” from the Lions overly-loyal fan base, the research into the Lions newest LB commenced. From all sources, it looks like this pick was a reach. Some analysts said he would be there in the late 2nd/early 3rd or even Day 3. But the Lions saw something in Jahlani that fit their mold. He is big, physical, and aggressive. His 2018 was cut short due to injury but I guess the tape was good enough for Quinn to reach. This is the ultimate “wait and see” pick. The 2nd round isn’t exactly the round for “wait and see” picks but if he fits the mold, fills a need, and might not have made it to them in the 3rd round then I guess that’s good enough for the Lions’ front office.
- Grade: C-
- Third Round: Will Harris, S, Boston College, Pick 81
- I don’t know a whole lot about this pick either but he seems like a HARD hitter. It is never a bad thing to draft a safety who is able to fly all over the field and is willing to throw his body at anything that moves. This dude is a leader too, being a captain for his senior season at BC. He will likely replace Glover Quin when his time is up in Detroit. Hopefully he isn’t called on to play safety this season but can contribute on Special Teams
- Grade: B
- Fourth Round: Austin Bryant, DE, Clemson, Pick 117
- Not a whole lot to say about the Bryant pick. He was a member of that Clemson D-Line (three players were drafted in the top 17 picks), but his season was sort of derailed with a pectoral tear. He opted to get surgery after the season. That could be why he wasn’t as hyped up as his teammates on the line. Hopefully he will be fully healthy and ready to prove himself in training camp. Still, for someone who played multiple positions on one of the dominant groups in the nation, pretty decent value to get him in the 4th round.
- Grade: B
- Fifth Round: Amani Oruwariye, CB, Penn State, Pick 146
- This is by far my favorite pick in the draft. Hes big (6’2) and rangy. He emulates his game after Darius Slay. Many draft experts had him projected as a Day 2 guy. Hell, some of them had him as a top-4 corner in the draft. For the Lions to get him in the 5th is an absolute steal. I fully expect him to come in and compete for that second outside corner position.
- Grade: A
- Sixth Round: Travis Fulgham, WR, Old Dominion, Pick 184 and Ty Johnson, RB, Maryland, Pick 186
- All I really know about Fulgham is that he was a deep threat for Old Dominion. It looks like if he is any good he might be the replacement or a stop gap for when Marvin Jones leaves in a few years. As for Ty Johnson, this is another pick that I absolutely love. While he had his senior year at Maryland held back by some injuries, when healthy he averaged 7.7 ypc and has explosive speed. Something the Lions have lacked since Jahvid Best. He might not contribute right away, but he could be an excellent compliment to our future beast, Kerryon Johnson.
- Grade: B+
- Seventh Round: Isaac Nauta, TE, Georgia, Pick 224 and PJ Johnson, DL, Arizona, Pick 229
- They’re 7th round picks. They will fight for roster spots and to contribute on special teams. I could see Nauta taking the Michael Roberts role and I could see PJ Johnson being a heavy-package interior defensive lineman. These late picks and UDFAs are like free gambles. There isn’t much into them and maybe you find a diamond in the rough. Simply because the Lions made picks and didn’t let the clock run out…
- Grade: B
For me, it was a pretty lackluster first couple of days and the back end of this draft really saved it, for now. Obviously we have to let everything play out but this draft kind of stuck with what Quinn had done in the draft in his time in Detroit. Pick high character/high floor guys who will contribute. I would have liked to see him and Patricia try to swing for the fences in the first round with Oliver or Bush, but I guess I will be content with constant singles and doubles.
OVERALL GRADE: B-, simply off the strength of 3rd round and on.
The NFL Schedules were released last night. This year, teams were actually very entertaining when posting. I will include the best announcements at the bottom of the blog. But first, lets break down the Lions schedule:
Week 1 @ Cardinals: The Lions have always had issues in the desert. With a new coach and maybe a new quarterback, the Cards will be tough to scout. But, I feel the Lions talent is greater than theirs. PREDICTION: Win, 1-0
Week 2 vs Chargers: The Chargers were a phenomenal team last year and I expect them to be just as good during the regular season. Tough home opener for the Lions. PREDICTION: Loss, 1-1
Week 3 @ Eagles: Going on the road to Philly means only bad things will happen. Both to the Lions and any visiting fans. PREDICTION: Loss, 1-2
Week 4 vs Chiefs: Last year the Lions defense balled out against the higher powered offenses. Hopefully they can do the same and keep it competitive. PREDICTION: Loss, 1-3
Week 5 Bye: Rough start to the season. The good news? The first four games are the toughest of the season.
Week 6 @ Packers: In Lambeau but the Lions have kinda dominated the Pack lately. Gonna get cocky here and say Patricia starts 1-0 vs LaFleur. PREDICTION: Win, 2-3
Week 7 vs Vikings: This has been the toughest one to pick thus far. The Vikings could snap back to being the team that they were in 2017 or they can continue the step-back year that had in 2018. Since its at Ford Field… PREDICTION: Win, 3-3
Week 8 vs Giants: Revenge game all over the place for the Lions. The Giants strength is in their running game, obviously. Combine that with Eli still at the helm and no OBJ, this might be the Lions easiest win of the season. PREDICTION: Win, 4-3
Week 9 @ Raiders: The road wont be kind to the Lions in this one. I dont think the Raiders will be particularly good this year, but they have retooled a little bit and I feel like Gruden will get a little more with the times. PREDICTION: Loss, 4-4
Week 10 @ Bears: This is going to be a classic NFC North bout. Not many points and probably some pretty ugly football. Two strong defenses against a couple of QBs people still arent really sure about. PREDICTION: Loss, 4-5
Week 11 vs Cowboys: Does anyone know if the Cowboys are going to be good this year? They have weapons, but they also still have Jason Garrett. What ever, this is going to be a classic Lions loss. I can feel it deep in my plums. PREDICTION: Loss, 4-6
Week 12 @ Redskins: Just a couple of miserable franchises going back and forth in what will likely be a game Fox only airs in the teams’ respective markets. I think the Lions are actually a little bit better team here. PREDICTION: Win, 5-6
Week 13 vs Bears: The Lions will avoid the 4th straight loss to the Bears and defend their turf on Thanksgiving to keep their meager playoff hopes alive. I am not sure how but they will find a way to keep us interested. PREDICTION: Win, 6-6
Week 14 @ Vikings: Minnesota has a real home field advantage. They will use it to full effect and propel Kirk Cousins to go 16-28 for 2 TDs and 2 INTs. Just enough to get by a sleeping Lions team. PREDICTION: Loss, 6-7
Week 15 vs Buccaneers: I probably couldn’t name 4 Bucs players. For that reason, I am going to assume they are trash. The Lions are also home. PREDICTION: Win, 7-7
Week 16 @ Broncos: Denver air is another strong home field advantage that the Lions will have to try and overcome. Huff and Puff as they might, the Lions wont blow this house down. PREDICTION:Loss, 7-8
Week 17 vs Packers: Aaron Rodgers? More like AARP-on Rodgers, this man is old, fragile, and basically retired with how many games he’s been missing. I’m still scared of him like I am scared of how a WWII Vet could kick my ass still, but finishing with a losing record in my predictions would be dumb. PREDICTION: Win, 8-8 and no playoffs
As promised, here are my favorite schedule announcement videos:
I’m not really sure how to write this blog without it being incoherent so there will be a lot of breaks and random sentences. If you don’t like it, too bad. Its my blog. If you want me to change it, you can pay for the site and give me money to write. Not gonna do that? Too much money and time? Good, now shut up and read my uninformed opinions.
I’m nervous for this season for a multitude of reasons. First off, I think its going to end poorly. I feel that way because for a show of this magnitude, there is no “right” way to end it. I don’t want the obvious fan-service choice of Snow and Dany winning. I don’t want the Night King to go scorched (froze?) Earth and just kill everyone. I also don’t want Cersi, Bran, Sansa, Arya, or Tyrion to get on the Throne. I realize someone has to be on the Throne. I guess I just don’t want the show to end. Secondly, I guess there is no second. I’m just very nervous.
CHARACTERS (I know there are more but these are the ones I care about)
Jon Snow– Snow is kind of a weird character if you think about it. He is the most righteous character in the show. The traditional protagonist in every sense. But, hes the biggest failure of all time. Failed to win the love of Catelyn Stark, failed love live with Ygritte, died in a mutiny of Castle Black, broke his oath on keeping Wildlings out, bailed out in the Battle of the Bastards by Littlefinger and Sansa. For all those who want Jon to win, he cant. He’s a born loser. I like him. Fine guy. The godfather of one of my children, but he isn’t a winner. I think he dies and doesn’t come back. I’ll be sad, you will be sad, we will all be sad. But its just not in the cards for Jon to claim the Throne.
Dany Targaryen– My true Queen. She’s simply the best. The dragons are bad ass, she is a firm yet understanding ruler, is easy on the eyes, and cant die in a house fire. Perfection. She will obviously have the most weight to pull when it comes to defeating the Night King. She has the largest/strongest army and dragons. The fate of Westeros lies on her shoulders. I feel like she will live through the season, I’m just not feeling her on the Throne. I feel like she will go somewhere else and rule.
Tyrion Lannister– I think Tyrion lives simply because he is smarter than everyone else. He will obviously be in the back planning everything and scheming. The only think I would look out for is a heel turn from Tyrion. That secret meeting he had with Cersi at the end of Season 7. We don’t know what was said and I have a sinking feeling that Tyrion may try to play both sides in a potential power play.
Arya Stark– She is just going to go on a killing rampage. She is going to be killing Wights, shes going to be crossing people off of her list, and she is going to continue to be a bad ass. My prediction is that after the whole Night King threat is subdued, Arya is going to become Lord Commander of Castle Black.
Sansa Stark– Sansa is so boring. She probably wont do anything of note until the dust settles around the battles. She may play some chess with Cersi on a few moves but she wont be a major player early on. I do think Sansa lives and becomes the Lady of Winterfell. On a side note, I think I’m in love with Sophie Turner. She seems like the absolute coolest.
Jamie Lannister– He is going to be a noble fighter with the Golden Army and is going to bring a lot of support to the battle in the North. I feel like he is going to try to return to Cersi in King’s Landing to try and talk sense into his lover (sister) but will ultimately come across as a threat and be killed by the woman he loves. I do buy a little into the theory that Jamie will kill Cersi because she is becoming the “Mad Queen” but that would be a little too much fan service for my liking.
Cersi Lannister– The Baddest Bitch in Westeros. I actually have no predictions for what kind of twisted, fucked-up shit she has planned. Of all the characters, Cersi may be the one I am most interested in watching this season. She is as cold and ruthless as Ty Cobb (yea, its a sports reference. This is a sports blog.).
Bran Stark– My second most intriguing character I want to watch. Up until this point, Bran’s story line has sucked! It has been so long and drawn out and not filled with much action outside of Hodor dying (RIP in peace). But there are a billion theories out there about how Bran is the Night King, Bran was the voice in the Mad Kings head that’s why all that wild fire is under King’s Landing in anticipation of the Wight Army, Bran is Bran the Builder, or some other time travel-y thing. I have no real inkling as to which one is going to true, if any. Bran is like Cersi in that I don’t want to start rooting for certain things to happen. They are characters where I just want to sit back and take it in.
Sam Tarley– Sam is going to be the head Meister thing in where ever the hell all those nerds in that library hang out. He is going to have a way to defeat the Wights by reading a book that hasn’t been read in like 8,000 years.
Night King– My biggest hope for the Night King this season is that we get more of a back story on him. Who he was, his motives, where he liked to eat for dinner on Friday nights. My favorite theory about him is that he is actually the good guy on a mission to stop Cersi from destroying all of Westeros and that once he kills her, his army of the dead returns north of the Wall. This obviously hinges on the theory that Bran is the Night King. It would turn the show and make us think about how each side thinks they’re right and perception. But mainly I just want them to tell us more about the Night King. I think that in the season though, he gets killed by Jon Snow.
The Mountain– Killed by the Hound in a 15-minute CleganeBowl
The Hound– Killed by Arya shortly after killing the Mountain in a 15-minute CleganeBowl
Theon Greyjoy– Theon is a pretty polarizing character. Polarizing in the sense of when people think hes gonna die. I think he makes it decently deep into the season, maybe episode 4. Theon’s death will be a redeeming one though. He is going to sacrifice himself to protect Bran. It will be full circle after lying about burning Bran.
Yara Greyjoy– Just threw her in here since I was writing about the other Greyjoys. I think Yara just gets killed by Euron. Nothing crazy.
Euron Greyjoy– Kills Yara but then is promptly killed by Cersi as soon as the fleets are in Westeros. Its a tough look to talk that talk then get thrown to the side quicker than a teenage boys used sock, but that’s the game. The Game of Thrones. BADA-BING.
Lord Varys– I will be devastated if Varys dies. I love him like I loved Littlefinger. Just the knowledge and the manipulation is so so sweet. I have full confidence that Varys can slither his way out of anything. He should be able to position himself nicely to have a place next to whoever is on the Iron Throne.
Dragons– The ice one dies, the other two live. While that is pretty chalk, it would be sweet to see all three dragons belong to the Night King. Chaos in the Skies (also the name of my Jefferson Starship cover band).
Bronn– He is going to say “Fuck this” and march to High Garden to finally get his castle. The best part, no one will be upset. Everyone loves Bronn. He is smart, funny, and one hell of a sell sword.
Brienne of Tarth– Brienne makes it through the whole war and if one of the Starks sits on the Throne, she becomes the first woman of the King’s Guard. She is just such a bad ass I don’t see a situation where she dies.
Tormund Giantsbane– With all that being said about Brienne, I think she will be caught in a moment of compromise and Tormund jumps in front to save her. The save will result in fatal blow. It will be done out of love which will give people a nice fuzzy feeling while the rest of Westeros is being ravaged and torn apart. I like Tormund. That’s not a hot take. It will be sad to see such a charismatic character die on screen.
Hot Pie– The war is over. Jon Snow and Dany are sitting on the Iron Thrones in Kings Landing. Everyone people like are sitting around the Capitol having a grand old time. Arya and the Hound are chumming it up. Sansa has become fun. Brienne of Tarth and Tormund have eloped and are expecting a massive baby. Jamie Lannister is leading the King’s Guard again. Tyrion, Varys, Bronn, and Sam are on the Small Council. What a glorious day for a feast! The food is starting to come out as the music plays. My god this pie is delicious. All of a sudden, everyone starts choking. People are dropping like flies. Everyone has been poisoned! Out from the kitchen, steps the next great ruler of Westeros. Our one true king is on the Iron Throne:
As many of you may know by now, the Detroit Pistons will be playing playoff basketball for the first time since 2016 and the second time in the last ten years. First off, suck it to the tank crowd. I hate the idea of tanking because losing sucks and I am not sold on tanking even working. An organization like the Pistons needs to take baby steps to build a winning culture. The first step is effort. Blake has embedded that with his consistent hustle despite being the best player on the team. He continually was diving for lose balls and sacrificing his body. The next step was to get into the playoffs. Its all about the little things. Secondly, the tank crowd can suck it once more.
Western Conference Preview:
Golden State (1) vs LA Clippers (8)
- I feel bad for the Clippers because they have had a great season while retooling for the future only to be promptly curb stomped by the Warriors in the first round. Should be business as usual for Steph Curry and the crew.
- GS Wins 4-0
Denver (2) vs San Antonio (7)
- A very interesting series simply because of the experience differential between the two franchises. Denver has been amazing all year but the Spurs are the Spurs and will inherently be pesky. Denver will win but it wont be easy.
- Denver Wins 4-2
Portland (3) vs Oklahoma City (6)
- Probably the series in the West that is on the highest “upset” alert. OKC has been pretty bad down the stretch but that doesn’t mean Russ, PG, and Adams aren’t going to be playing. They can turn it around at any time. I guess I just don’t trust Portland yet until they actually do something.
- OKC Wins 4-2
Houston (4) vs Jazz (5)
- I’m being completely honest here, I probably couldn’t name three players on the Jazz. For that reason, I will pick Houston. Gobert will give Harden a tough time at the rack but Harden will just end up shooting 50 free throws a game.
- Houston Wins 4-1
Eastern Conference Preview:
Milwaukee (1) vs Detroit (8)
- As pumped as I am for the Pistons and want to blindly believe they will pull off the rare 8-1 upset, the Bucks have arguably the best player in the league. Add on the fact that Griffin basically has one leg right now and there isn’t much light at the end of this tunnel. I do think the Pistons take the next step in their culture change and win a game.
- Milwaukee Wins 4-1
Toronto (2) vs Orlando (7)
- Orlando played surprisingly well this year behind Gordon and Fournier. Former Piston DJ Augustine had been absolutely cooking lately. But, much like the Bucks and Pistons, the Raptors have the best player on the floor in Kawhi Leonard. Also, Toronto provides a huge home court advantage.
- Toronto Wins 4-0
Philadelphia (3) vs Brooklyn (6)
- Philly is clearly more talented but I feel like Brooklyn is going to be a tough out. This will be the only first round series to go seven games but the higher seed will persevere. Butler, Simmons, and Embiid are just too much for the Nets.
- Philly Wins 4-3
Boston (4) vs Indiana (5)
- This will probably be the most fun series in the first round. A lot of close games and maybe a little controversy. Marcus Smart is out for the Celtics and that is a much bigger blow than people realize. The plucky Pacers are about as tough as they come for 5-seeds.
- Indy Wins 4-2
What an amazing first day for the Lions in free agency! It seemed like it was one after another after another after another. Schefty and Rappaport were BIZZY with the Lions news in the early afternoon. While free agent signings don’t win games in January, it sure is a lot of fun in March. This effects their draft strategy immensely, but lets worry about that later. Lets talk about the Lions winning the first day of free agency.
Contract: 1 year/ $4.25 million base + $1.5 million in incentives
This was the first deal of the day for both the Lions and the NFL. While Amendola isn’t the same player he was in New England, the Lions are still getting a solid slot receiver and veteran. Did they pay a little more than they should have for a year of 33-year old Danny Amendola? Yea, probably. But if he hits all his marks and earns that extra $1.5 million, he will be worth it. This is obviously just a stop gap solution for a looming problem, but the Lions could certainly have done worse. He will fill the Golden Tate role of being a chain-mover and Stafford’s safety blanket.
Contract: 4 years/ $36 million
When this move came across the twitter feed, I think I heard a collective “Huh?” from the Lions faithful. After doing a little research, like the hardcore journalist I am, this move is a strong one. I was puzzled to learn that the Lions cut Nevin Lawson. I thought he was an average corner for most of the year. But, Bob Quinn went out and got the best nickle corner on the market while also paying him like it. Coleman is the highest ever paid nickle corner, but in today’s NFL the nickle scheme is being used more and more often. To be able to have the best one is a huge plus for this defense. Did they over pay? Yes. But I feel like Detroit has to overpay for these types of things. The best part of this deal? The fact that he is only 24 years old. We will have him locked up through the prime of his career.
Contract: 5 years/ $85(?) million
The crown jewel of this years free agency. As I was doing my research on the Coleman deal, my phone started to get flooded with updates from twitter, group chats, and individual texts. I was pretty taken aback. I knew the Lions were in the running but last I heard was that Flowers wanted to go play down in Miami with Brian Flores. I was very surprised and very excited. While the exact numbers of the deal haven’t been announced yet, it is strongly rumored to be in the $17 million/year range. It is a hefty price, but when you consider the Lions were paying Ansah that same price last season, it isn’t that hard of a deal to stomach. My favorite part of the deal, much like the Coleman deal, is that we will have one of the best players at their position locked up through their prime. The price tag may look high, but I think Flowers will be worth every penny.
Since we don’t know any of the contract details yet, it is kinda tough to give this deal a true grade. But, just based off player skill and need, this isn’t a home run but it is a bases-clearing triple (hell yea, cross sport reference). The Lions had a glaring deficiency at tight end last season and Jesse James was the best TE on the market this year. He can block well and is someone a defense has to pay attention to in the passing game. I’m assuming they over-payed for him because that is the way the free agency has been going thus far, hopefully they didn’t over-pay too badly for him though. This also should take Hockenson off the board for the 8th pick in the upcoming draft.
Grade: B, for now
UPDATE: Jesse James deal is being reported at 4 years/ $25 million. Above average pay for an above average player. Changing my grade to a B+.
For those who don’t want to read how I will become wealthier than someone who works for 40 years, the answer is yes. I can exploit the current political climate for financial gain.
How did this plan come about? I saw a news post about a snow plow driver spraying slush on to some protesters. Naturally I checked out the comments. I would say that every 4th comment was about how someone would contribute to a Go Fund Me if the person was hurting for cash. This is when the light bulb in my big galaxy brain went off. Now, for anyone who wants to look into my plan, here is the step by step outline of how I will become richer than in my wildest dreams.
STEP 1: FIND AN EVENT
- This is the first and most important step. I have to find out where a liberal or conservative public event is happening. Without a politically charged event, this plan is kaput.
STEP 2: CREATE A FAKE CONTROVERSY
- Here is where I separate myself from the idiots who actually create controversies. I just lie and say I did something to “expose a racist” or “own a lib”. I don’t have to actually do it. People on the internet are so stupid. The people commenting on the plow driver post aren’t even from the same STATE as where the incident happened and they are willing to give this person money like they saved their child from leprosy. Just to be clear, I will be lying to people about this actually happening. In no way, shape, or form will I get my fat ass out of bed to make a counter-political statement.
STEP 3: CREATE GO FUND ME
- Business 101: Have a way to monetize.
STEP 4: LOSE MY JOB AKA: LIE AGAIN
- Obviously, just doing something wont bring in any money. But, you can generate sympathy by saying you lost your job because of your controversy (which is also a lie). People on the internet love giving money to people who act like assholes then have to deal with real world consequences. For example, the Vans employee who told a 14-year old kid wearing a MAGA hat to fuck off and was fired. Whether you agree politically or not doesn’t matter, if you tell a customer that and you aren’t the boss, you will be fired. But guess what? There was a Go Fund Me set up for him. The main formula here is Act Like an Ass+ (Job Acquisitions *-1)= Money from a Go Fund Me. Much like the controversy, this is not real. It is all a lie.
STEP 5: GET A GRASS ROOTS POLITICAL ACCOUNT TO SHARE STORY
- Again, I cant stress this enough, people on the internet are stupid. People who aren’t famous but have large follower accounts just because they write sassy political tweets may be the dumbest of the bunch. All I would need is for them to retweet the link to my Go Fund Me and then I watch the dollars roll in. Again, this would be a Go Fund Me set up for a FAKE person, doing a FAKE political stunt, and losing their FAKE job, but the money would go into MY bank account. Here in lies the beauty of the plan. People who run and follow these accounts will do ANYTHING to feel righteous and justified in their beliefs. That includes encouraging or positively reinforcing behavior that they agree with. The political climate is so radically charged that people wont even research anything. “Oh, some asshole was acting like an asshole and lost their job? But, they also agree with me politically? I will stick it to the other side of the aisle by giving a stranger money!”. I’m not saying everyone is stupid in a vacuum (I am), but today’s politics have people so blinded that they throw all rationality out the window.
STEP 6: REPEAT UNTIL I CAN RETIRE
- No one is going to fact check this shit. I figure I can do about 12 of these a year and if I get about $10,000/controversy, I should be able to bank about $600,000 by the end of the Trump era (assuming he gets re-elected). But, I think the political radicalism will extend to one more president after Trump. So, I should be able to retire by 2034 with around $1.5 million in my nice little nest egg. If a few things break my way in both the market and in how much people are willing to give to stupid causes, I could possibly retire before 2030. Its a lofty goal, but I believe in the stupidity of the internet. It hasn’t failed me yet.