BY:DALTON I haven’t written an angry Lions recap blog in a very long time. Probably have to go back a couple seasons but here we are. What happened on Monday night was different. This one… More
Hey everyone, I realize the blog has been light so I am just going to do a weekly Twitter ranking. These are the ten best tweets from the last week.
10. Mature Franklin
9. Our Respectful King
The man is on an absolute missile to the moon. He is blowing up everywhere. He is being added to all types of movies, video games, you name it and hes in it. Also, is a HUGE respecter of women. Wont ever catch MY PRESIDENT slipping.
8. Klay Star
I don’t have many rules I live by, but one of them is to always retweet the Klay Thompson x Patrick Star cross over pic. Death, Taxes, Klay Star Retweets.
7. Ford Steering Wheel Recall
To understand why this tweet is great, watch this:
6. Anne Frank’s Diary
They do say that narratives are everything.
Power Ranking the bravest people in the world: 1. People who manually control CBs in a video game 2. Random cameramen around Richie Incognito 3. Troops 4. People who went into the largest nuclear radiation disaster in history to save millions of innocent lives/this planet
4. Hotel Charging
Show me one hotel this doesn’t apply to, I’ll wait.
3. Trump and Mars
Started with Trump saying that we should never go to the Moon because we’ve already been there, then he lumped in the Moon and Mars, then just perfect execution of reference and gif out of my brother. This is why Twitter was invented.
2. Defensive Backfields
Not only is this tweet the pure truth, the video is moving in to automatic retweet territory. Absolutely love these goofs and their kind-of-good-kind-of-bad dance moves.
Its been a phenomenal week for tweets involving Chernobyl. We already saw a mention in the bravery section. Its cross regional in these rankings. But the three tweets above are the tip of the top, the creme of the crop for the week. The weed is worse than nuclear radiation tweet had me dying, figuratively. I still get a chuckle out of Alex Berenson thinking he had the tweet that would finally end the use of marijuana. He thought he nailed it. This was the death shot, mic drop, and bomb (pun intended) to put to bed all this weed smoking tom foolery. Then the other two tweets about the Instagram influencers going there to take pictures is a perfect display of how these people lack self awareness. The one thing I love more than the internet is when the internet makes fun of the internet. That chick barely had on any clothes in the most nuclear-ly polluted place on the planet lmao. Just go look at some of the replies as a great way to waste time and get a chuckle.
To start off, this blog would not be possible without the generous donation from a certain Will “Billy Dicks” Richards. I appreciate the love and appreciation from someone who self-described themselves as “the most extra person you know”. So, if you see Will, tell him thanks for the content and if you are in the Lansing area, stop into a Burger King!
To be completely honest, I was not very familiar with the Wonka candy family. I knew they had Runts and Nerds. Well, buddy, my eyes have been opened. I could have obviously tried to rank these off the top of my head, but it would have been a two-item list. Thanks to the donation from Billy Dicks, I can do my journalistic due diligence and properly rank these candies. I am doing this at 7 pm at night so if you have any questions or complaints, I will probably be up all night from the sugar spike. Unlike my Little Debbie rankings, I will try these and rank them in real time (real time to me, not you ya bozo). While trying these it became very apparent that there were tiers within the rankings, there were large gaps in between numbers.
THESE SUCK TIER:
12. Pixie Stix
It is literally slightly flavored sugar. That’s it. Then sometimes the paper tube gets wet and stuck at the end and you can’t get any. Poor in all facets.
11. Fun Dip
Slightly flavored sugar but with a hard candy dipping stick. A minimal upgrade from the Pixie Stix.
I WOULD PREFER TO NOT EAT THESE BUT I NEED MY SUGAR FIX TIER:
10. Laffy Taffy
While ranked 10/12, I was pleasantly surprised that Laffy Taffy didn’t finish dead last. I hate taffy but Laffy Taffy wasnt as bad as I remembered. I would eat if I were dying. The jokes still suck. If they started putting in edgier jokes, they may jump up a spot. Your move, Willy.
11. SweetTarts Ropes
I was very optimistic about this candy. I thought they were going to be a little more flavorful but they were just kind of blah. They had decent taste and texture but the name would lead me to believe they were much tastier.
“YEA, ILL GRAB A FEW OF THOSE” TIER
8. Bottle Caps
The first tier of candy where I will actively seek them out. Bottle Caps are a classic. The more modest cousin of the SweetTart. A little chalky but I feel that adds to the flavor. Grape is obviously the prize gem of this candy.
7. SweetTarts Original
They’re SweetTarts. Not amazing but far from horrible. Don’t know what else to tell ya here.
GOOD CANDY TIER
6. SweetTarts Extreme Sour Chewy (Shockers)
After consulting with Will Richards, I learned that these were previously known as Shockers. I love them, but they dropped a few spots because I ate too many and my mouth turned raw. Please it in moderation.
Fruity and crunch isn’t a combination seen too often in the world of sweets but Runts pulls it off to perfection. The best flavor is banana and I won’t hear otherwise. The biggest downside is you can’t eat these while watching TV, on account of the crunching noise.
CHOOSING THESE OVER CHOCOLATE TIER:
Everlasting and tasty! You get a box of these and they might last you a calendar year. By far the best bang-for-your-buck candy on this list. I have no idea what they are made of and how they layer the flavors. I’m just going to assume its sugar and high fructose corn syrup.
3. SweetTarts Mini Chewy
Chewy is my favorite type of fruity candy. Sweet, tart, chewy, and you can fit a million of them in your mouth at a time. These are just like Shockers except not sour and you can eat them forever (until you die of diabetes).
I figured going into the testing, this would be near the top. They were. Crunchy and sweet and so tiny. The texture of each Nerd is imperfectly perfect. Get a nice little mixture of the different flavors. Much like Bottle Caps, the grape is the best flavor.
- Nerds Rope
Just Nerds on a chewy, tasty rope. It is the perfect mixture of chewy and crunchy. There should be no surprise that with Nerds placing second, Nerds Rope finished first. It took what was already great and just added another dominant piece to itself. This is a lazy comparison but think the Warriors adding Durrant.
So, the NFL Draft happened a few days ago. First off, I would like to thank Mr. Crespi for hosting/cooking for me. Secondly, Nashville looked like there was no less than a trillion people there for the draft.
Here’s how shit is gonna go down in this blog, I’m going to touch on each round, give each a grade, and give an overall grade at the end. Fair warning, I will probably be higher on a few of these picks than others because, for some reason, I am a Lions optimist. Obviously, these are subject to change if each pick becomes a perennial pro-bowler but all we have is now so deal with it, I guess.
- First Round: T.J. Hockenson, TE, Iowa, Pick 8
- Let me be perfectly clear, Hockenson will be a fine NFL player. There is no reason to think he wont be an instant competitor and could possibly be a top 10 TE by the end of the season. This pick just hurt a little bit for a couple of reasons. The first being that we almost had UK pass rusher Josh Allen. He was an absolute dream scenario. The other is that Ed Oliver could make this pick exactly like Ebron/Aaron Donald. In Patricia’s system, Hockenson will be a valuable asset but considering the recent TE draft history, if Oliver becomes an All-Pro, Hockenson will always be remembered as the guy we picked instead of Oliver or even Devin Bush. As fair or unfair that it is, its the way it will be. All that being said, they addressed one of their biggest needs with the best TE in the draft, so its worth something
- GRADE: B-
- Second Round: Jahlani Tavai, LB, Hawaii, Pick 43
- After the collective “who?!?” from the Lions overly-loyal fan base, the research into the Lions newest LB commenced. From all sources, it looks like this pick was a reach. Some analysts said he would be there in the late 2nd/early 3rd or even Day 3. But the Lions saw something in Jahlani that fit their mold. He is big, physical, and aggressive. His 2018 was cut short due to injury but I guess the tape was good enough for Quinn to reach. This is the ultimate “wait and see” pick. The 2nd round isn’t exactly the round for “wait and see” picks but if he fits the mold, fills a need, and might not have made it to them in the 3rd round then I guess that’s good enough for the Lions’ front office.
- Grade: C-
- Third Round: Will Harris, S, Boston College, Pick 81
- I don’t know a whole lot about this pick either but he seems like a HARD hitter. It is never a bad thing to draft a safety who is able to fly all over the field and is willing to throw his body at anything that moves. This dude is a leader too, being a captain for his senior season at BC. He will likely replace Glover Quin when his time is up in Detroit. Hopefully he isn’t called on to play safety this season but can contribute on Special Teams
- Grade: B
- Fourth Round: Austin Bryant, DE, Clemson, Pick 117
- Not a whole lot to say about the Bryant pick. He was a member of that Clemson D-Line (three players were drafted in the top 17 picks), but his season was sort of derailed with a pectoral tear. He opted to get surgery after the season. That could be why he wasn’t as hyped up as his teammates on the line. Hopefully he will be fully healthy and ready to prove himself in training camp. Still, for someone who played multiple positions on one of the dominant groups in the nation, pretty decent value to get him in the 4th round.
- Grade: B
- Fifth Round: Amani Oruwariye, CB, Penn State, Pick 146
- This is by far my favorite pick in the draft. Hes big (6’2) and rangy. He emulates his game after Darius Slay. Many draft experts had him projected as a Day 2 guy. Hell, some of them had him as a top-4 corner in the draft. For the Lions to get him in the 5th is an absolute steal. I fully expect him to come in and compete for that second outside corner position.
- Grade: A
- Sixth Round: Travis Fulgham, WR, Old Dominion, Pick 184 and Ty Johnson, RB, Maryland, Pick 186
- All I really know about Fulgham is that he was a deep threat for Old Dominion. It looks like if he is any good he might be the replacement or a stop gap for when Marvin Jones leaves in a few years. As for Ty Johnson, this is another pick that I absolutely love. While he had his senior year at Maryland held back by some injuries, when healthy he averaged 7.7 ypc and has explosive speed. Something the Lions have lacked since Jahvid Best. He might not contribute right away, but he could be an excellent compliment to our future beast, Kerryon Johnson.
- Grade: B+
- Seventh Round: Isaac Nauta, TE, Georgia, Pick 224 and PJ Johnson, DL, Arizona, Pick 229
- They’re 7th round picks. They will fight for roster spots and to contribute on special teams. I could see Nauta taking the Michael Roberts role and I could see PJ Johnson being a heavy-package interior defensive lineman. These late picks and UDFAs are like free gambles. There isn’t much into them and maybe you find a diamond in the rough. Simply because the Lions made picks and didn’t let the clock run out…
- Grade: B
For me, it was a pretty lackluster first couple of days and the back end of this draft really saved it, for now. Obviously we have to let everything play out but this draft kind of stuck with what Quinn had done in the draft in his time in Detroit. Pick high character/high floor guys who will contribute. I would have liked to see him and Patricia try to swing for the fences in the first round with Oliver or Bush, but I guess I will be content with constant singles and doubles.
OVERALL GRADE: B-, simply off the strength of 3rd round and on.
The NFL Schedules were released last night. This year, teams were actually very entertaining when posting. I will include the best announcements at the bottom of the blog. But first, lets break down the Lions schedule:
Week 1 @ Cardinals: The Lions have always had issues in the desert. With a new coach and maybe a new quarterback, the Cards will be tough to scout. But, I feel the Lions talent is greater than theirs. PREDICTION: Win, 1-0
Week 2 vs Chargers: The Chargers were a phenomenal team last year and I expect them to be just as good during the regular season. Tough home opener for the Lions. PREDICTION: Loss, 1-1
Week 3 @ Eagles: Going on the road to Philly means only bad things will happen. Both to the Lions and any visiting fans. PREDICTION: Loss, 1-2
Week 4 vs Chiefs: Last year the Lions defense balled out against the higher powered offenses. Hopefully they can do the same and keep it competitive. PREDICTION: Loss, 1-3
Week 5 Bye: Rough start to the season. The good news? The first four games are the toughest of the season.
Week 6 @ Packers: In Lambeau but the Lions have kinda dominated the Pack lately. Gonna get cocky here and say Patricia starts 1-0 vs LaFleur. PREDICTION: Win, 2-3
Week 7 vs Vikings: This has been the toughest one to pick thus far. The Vikings could snap back to being the team that they were in 2017 or they can continue the step-back year that had in 2018. Since its at Ford Field… PREDICTION: Win, 3-3
Week 8 vs Giants: Revenge game all over the place for the Lions. The Giants strength is in their running game, obviously. Combine that with Eli still at the helm and no OBJ, this might be the Lions easiest win of the season. PREDICTION: Win, 4-3
Week 9 @ Raiders: The road wont be kind to the Lions in this one. I dont think the Raiders will be particularly good this year, but they have retooled a little bit and I feel like Gruden will get a little more with the times. PREDICTION: Loss, 4-4
Week 10 @ Bears: This is going to be a classic NFC North bout. Not many points and probably some pretty ugly football. Two strong defenses against a couple of QBs people still arent really sure about. PREDICTION: Loss, 4-5
Week 11 vs Cowboys: Does anyone know if the Cowboys are going to be good this year? They have weapons, but they also still have Jason Garrett. What ever, this is going to be a classic Lions loss. I can feel it deep in my plums. PREDICTION: Loss, 4-6
Week 12 @ Redskins: Just a couple of miserable franchises going back and forth in what will likely be a game Fox only airs in the teams’ respective markets. I think the Lions are actually a little bit better team here. PREDICTION: Win, 5-6
Week 13 vs Bears: The Lions will avoid the 4th straight loss to the Bears and defend their turf on Thanksgiving to keep their meager playoff hopes alive. I am not sure how but they will find a way to keep us interested. PREDICTION: Win, 6-6
Week 14 @ Vikings: Minnesota has a real home field advantage. They will use it to full effect and propel Kirk Cousins to go 16-28 for 2 TDs and 2 INTs. Just enough to get by a sleeping Lions team. PREDICTION: Loss, 6-7
Week 15 vs Buccaneers: I probably couldn’t name 4 Bucs players. For that reason, I am going to assume they are trash. The Lions are also home. PREDICTION: Win, 7-7
Week 16 @ Broncos: Denver air is another strong home field advantage that the Lions will have to try and overcome. Huff and Puff as they might, the Lions wont blow this house down. PREDICTION:Loss, 7-8
Week 17 vs Packers: Aaron Rodgers? More like AARP-on Rodgers, this man is old, fragile, and basically retired with how many games he’s been missing. I’m still scared of him like I am scared of how a WWII Vet could kick my ass still, but finishing with a losing record in my predictions would be dumb. PREDICTION: Win, 8-8 and no playoffs
As promised, here are my favorite schedule announcement videos:
I’m not really sure how to write this blog without it being incoherent so there will be a lot of breaks and random sentences. If you don’t like it, too bad. Its my blog. If you want me to change it, you can pay for the site and give me money to write. Not gonna do that? Too much money and time? Good, now shut up and read my uninformed opinions.
I’m nervous for this season for a multitude of reasons. First off, I think its going to end poorly. I feel that way because for a show of this magnitude, there is no “right” way to end it. I don’t want the obvious fan-service choice of Snow and Dany winning. I don’t want the Night King to go scorched (froze?) Earth and just kill everyone. I also don’t want Cersi, Bran, Sansa, Arya, or Tyrion to get on the Throne. I realize someone has to be on the Throne. I guess I just don’t want the show to end. Secondly, I guess there is no second. I’m just very nervous.
CHARACTERS (I know there are more but these are the ones I care about)
Jon Snow– Snow is kind of a weird character if you think about it. He is the most righteous character in the show. The traditional protagonist in every sense. But, hes the biggest failure of all time. Failed to win the love of Catelyn Stark, failed love live with Ygritte, died in a mutiny of Castle Black, broke his oath on keeping Wildlings out, bailed out in the Battle of the Bastards by Littlefinger and Sansa. For all those who want Jon to win, he cant. He’s a born loser. I like him. Fine guy. The godfather of one of my children, but he isn’t a winner. I think he dies and doesn’t come back. I’ll be sad, you will be sad, we will all be sad. But its just not in the cards for Jon to claim the Throne.
Dany Targaryen– My true Queen. She’s simply the best. The dragons are bad ass, she is a firm yet understanding ruler, is easy on the eyes, and cant die in a house fire. Perfection. She will obviously have the most weight to pull when it comes to defeating the Night King. She has the largest/strongest army and dragons. The fate of Westeros lies on her shoulders. I feel like she will live through the season, I’m just not feeling her on the Throne. I feel like she will go somewhere else and rule.
Tyrion Lannister– I think Tyrion lives simply because he is smarter than everyone else. He will obviously be in the back planning everything and scheming. The only think I would look out for is a heel turn from Tyrion. That secret meeting he had with Cersi at the end of Season 7. We don’t know what was said and I have a sinking feeling that Tyrion may try to play both sides in a potential power play.
Arya Stark– She is just going to go on a killing rampage. She is going to be killing Wights, shes going to be crossing people off of her list, and she is going to continue to be a bad ass. My prediction is that after the whole Night King threat is subdued, Arya is going to become Lord Commander of Castle Black.
Sansa Stark– Sansa is so boring. She probably wont do anything of note until the dust settles around the battles. She may play some chess with Cersi on a few moves but she wont be a major player early on. I do think Sansa lives and becomes the Lady of Winterfell. On a side note, I think I’m in love with Sophie Turner. She seems like the absolute coolest.
Jamie Lannister– He is going to be a noble fighter with the Golden Army and is going to bring a lot of support to the battle in the North. I feel like he is going to try to return to Cersi in King’s Landing to try and talk sense into his lover (sister) but will ultimately come across as a threat and be killed by the woman he loves. I do buy a little into the theory that Jamie will kill Cersi because she is becoming the “Mad Queen” but that would be a little too much fan service for my liking.
Cersi Lannister– The Baddest Bitch in Westeros. I actually have no predictions for what kind of twisted, fucked-up shit she has planned. Of all the characters, Cersi may be the one I am most interested in watching this season. She is as cold and ruthless as Ty Cobb (yea, its a sports reference. This is a sports blog.).
Bran Stark– My second most intriguing character I want to watch. Up until this point, Bran’s story line has sucked! It has been so long and drawn out and not filled with much action outside of Hodor dying (RIP in peace). But there are a billion theories out there about how Bran is the Night King, Bran was the voice in the Mad Kings head that’s why all that wild fire is under King’s Landing in anticipation of the Wight Army, Bran is Bran the Builder, or some other time travel-y thing. I have no real inkling as to which one is going to true, if any. Bran is like Cersi in that I don’t want to start rooting for certain things to happen. They are characters where I just want to sit back and take it in.
Sam Tarley– Sam is going to be the head Meister thing in where ever the hell all those nerds in that library hang out. He is going to have a way to defeat the Wights by reading a book that hasn’t been read in like 8,000 years.
Night King– My biggest hope for the Night King this season is that we get more of a back story on him. Who he was, his motives, where he liked to eat for dinner on Friday nights. My favorite theory about him is that he is actually the good guy on a mission to stop Cersi from destroying all of Westeros and that once he kills her, his army of the dead returns north of the Wall. This obviously hinges on the theory that Bran is the Night King. It would turn the show and make us think about how each side thinks they’re right and perception. But mainly I just want them to tell us more about the Night King. I think that in the season though, he gets killed by Jon Snow.
The Mountain– Killed by the Hound in a 15-minute CleganeBowl
The Hound– Killed by Arya shortly after killing the Mountain in a 15-minute CleganeBowl
Theon Greyjoy– Theon is a pretty polarizing character. Polarizing in the sense of when people think hes gonna die. I think he makes it decently deep into the season, maybe episode 4. Theon’s death will be a redeeming one though. He is going to sacrifice himself to protect Bran. It will be full circle after lying about burning Bran.
Yara Greyjoy– Just threw her in here since I was writing about the other Greyjoys. I think Yara just gets killed by Euron. Nothing crazy.
Euron Greyjoy– Kills Yara but then is promptly killed by Cersi as soon as the fleets are in Westeros. Its a tough look to talk that talk then get thrown to the side quicker than a teenage boys used sock, but that’s the game. The Game of Thrones. BADA-BING.
Lord Varys– I will be devastated if Varys dies. I love him like I loved Littlefinger. Just the knowledge and the manipulation is so so sweet. I have full confidence that Varys can slither his way out of anything. He should be able to position himself nicely to have a place next to whoever is on the Iron Throne.
Dragons– The ice one dies, the other two live. While that is pretty chalk, it would be sweet to see all three dragons belong to the Night King. Chaos in the Skies (also the name of my Jefferson Starship cover band).
Bronn– He is going to say “Fuck this” and march to High Garden to finally get his castle. The best part, no one will be upset. Everyone loves Bronn. He is smart, funny, and one hell of a sell sword.
Brienne of Tarth– Brienne makes it through the whole war and if one of the Starks sits on the Throne, she becomes the first woman of the King’s Guard. She is just such a bad ass I don’t see a situation where she dies.
Tormund Giantsbane– With all that being said about Brienne, I think she will be caught in a moment of compromise and Tormund jumps in front to save her. The save will result in fatal blow. It will be done out of love which will give people a nice fuzzy feeling while the rest of Westeros is being ravaged and torn apart. I like Tormund. That’s not a hot take. It will be sad to see such a charismatic character die on screen.
Hot Pie– The war is over. Jon Snow and Dany are sitting on the Iron Thrones in Kings Landing. Everyone people like are sitting around the Capitol having a grand old time. Arya and the Hound are chumming it up. Sansa has become fun. Brienne of Tarth and Tormund have eloped and are expecting a massive baby. Jamie Lannister is leading the King’s Guard again. Tyrion, Varys, Bronn, and Sam are on the Small Council. What a glorious day for a feast! The food is starting to come out as the music plays. My god this pie is delicious. All of a sudden, everyone starts choking. People are dropping like flies. Everyone has been poisoned! Out from the kitchen, steps the next great ruler of Westeros. Our one true king is on the Iron Throne:
As many of you may know by now, the Detroit Pistons will be playing playoff basketball for the first time since 2016 and the second time in the last ten years. First off, suck it to the tank crowd. I hate the idea of tanking because losing sucks and I am not sold on tanking even working. An organization like the Pistons needs to take baby steps to build a winning culture. The first step is effort. Blake has embedded that with his consistent hustle despite being the best player on the team. He continually was diving for lose balls and sacrificing his body. The next step was to get into the playoffs. Its all about the little things. Secondly, the tank crowd can suck it once more.
Western Conference Preview:
Golden State (1) vs LA Clippers (8)
- I feel bad for the Clippers because they have had a great season while retooling for the future only to be promptly curb stomped by the Warriors in the first round. Should be business as usual for Steph Curry and the crew.
- GS Wins 4-0
Denver (2) vs San Antonio (7)
- A very interesting series simply because of the experience differential between the two franchises. Denver has been amazing all year but the Spurs are the Spurs and will inherently be pesky. Denver will win but it wont be easy.
- Denver Wins 4-2
Portland (3) vs Oklahoma City (6)
- Probably the series in the West that is on the highest “upset” alert. OKC has been pretty bad down the stretch but that doesn’t mean Russ, PG, and Adams aren’t going to be playing. They can turn it around at any time. I guess I just don’t trust Portland yet until they actually do something.
- OKC Wins 4-2
Houston (4) vs Jazz (5)
- I’m being completely honest here, I probably couldn’t name three players on the Jazz. For that reason, I will pick Houston. Gobert will give Harden a tough time at the rack but Harden will just end up shooting 50 free throws a game.
- Houston Wins 4-1
Eastern Conference Preview:
Milwaukee (1) vs Detroit (8)
- As pumped as I am for the Pistons and want to blindly believe they will pull off the rare 8-1 upset, the Bucks have arguably the best player in the league. Add on the fact that Griffin basically has one leg right now and there isn’t much light at the end of this tunnel. I do think the Pistons take the next step in their culture change and win a game.
- Milwaukee Wins 4-1
Toronto (2) vs Orlando (7)
- Orlando played surprisingly well this year behind Gordon and Fournier. Former Piston DJ Augustine had been absolutely cooking lately. But, much like the Bucks and Pistons, the Raptors have the best player on the floor in Kawhi Leonard. Also, Toronto provides a huge home court advantage.
- Toronto Wins 4-0
Philadelphia (3) vs Brooklyn (6)
- Philly is clearly more talented but I feel like Brooklyn is going to be a tough out. This will be the only first round series to go seven games but the higher seed will persevere. Butler, Simmons, and Embiid are just too much for the Nets.
- Philly Wins 4-3
Boston (4) vs Indiana (5)
- This will probably be the most fun series in the first round. A lot of close games and maybe a little controversy. Marcus Smart is out for the Celtics and that is a much bigger blow than people realize. The plucky Pacers are about as tough as they come for 5-seeds.
- Indy Wins 4-2
What an amazing first day for the Lions in free agency! It seemed like it was one after another after another after another. Schefty and Rappaport were BIZZY with the Lions news in the early afternoon. While free agent signings don’t win games in January, it sure is a lot of fun in March. This effects their draft strategy immensely, but lets worry about that later. Lets talk about the Lions winning the first day of free agency.
Contract: 1 year/ $4.25 million base + $1.5 million in incentives
This was the first deal of the day for both the Lions and the NFL. While Amendola isn’t the same player he was in New England, the Lions are still getting a solid slot receiver and veteran. Did they pay a little more than they should have for a year of 33-year old Danny Amendola? Yea, probably. But if he hits all his marks and earns that extra $1.5 million, he will be worth it. This is obviously just a stop gap solution for a looming problem, but the Lions could certainly have done worse. He will fill the Golden Tate role of being a chain-mover and Stafford’s safety blanket.
Contract: 4 years/ $36 million
When this move came across the twitter feed, I think I heard a collective “Huh?” from the Lions faithful. After doing a little research, like the hardcore journalist I am, this move is a strong one. I was puzzled to learn that the Lions cut Nevin Lawson. I thought he was an average corner for most of the year. But, Bob Quinn went out and got the best nickle corner on the market while also paying him like it. Coleman is the highest ever paid nickle corner, but in today’s NFL the nickle scheme is being used more and more often. To be able to have the best one is a huge plus for this defense. Did they over pay? Yes. But I feel like Detroit has to overpay for these types of things. The best part of this deal? The fact that he is only 24 years old. We will have him locked up through the prime of his career.
Contract: 5 years/ $85(?) million
The crown jewel of this years free agency. As I was doing my research on the Coleman deal, my phone started to get flooded with updates from twitter, group chats, and individual texts. I was pretty taken aback. I knew the Lions were in the running but last I heard was that Flowers wanted to go play down in Miami with Brian Flores. I was very surprised and very excited. While the exact numbers of the deal haven’t been announced yet, it is strongly rumored to be in the $17 million/year range. It is a hefty price, but when you consider the Lions were paying Ansah that same price last season, it isn’t that hard of a deal to stomach. My favorite part of the deal, much like the Coleman deal, is that we will have one of the best players at their position locked up through their prime. The price tag may look high, but I think Flowers will be worth every penny.
Since we don’t know any of the contract details yet, it is kinda tough to give this deal a true grade. But, just based off player skill and need, this isn’t a home run but it is a bases-clearing triple (hell yea, cross sport reference). The Lions had a glaring deficiency at tight end last season and Jesse James was the best TE on the market this year. He can block well and is someone a defense has to pay attention to in the passing game. I’m assuming they over-payed for him because that is the way the free agency has been going thus far, hopefully they didn’t over-pay too badly for him though. This also should take Hockenson off the board for the 8th pick in the upcoming draft.
Grade: B, for now
UPDATE: Jesse James deal is being reported at 4 years/ $25 million. Above average pay for an above average player. Changing my grade to a B+.
For those who don’t want to read how I will become wealthier than someone who works for 40 years, the answer is yes. I can exploit the current political climate for financial gain.
How did this plan come about? I saw a news post about a snow plow driver spraying slush on to some protesters. Naturally I checked out the comments. I would say that every 4th comment was about how someone would contribute to a Go Fund Me if the person was hurting for cash. This is when the light bulb in my big galaxy brain went off. Now, for anyone who wants to look into my plan, here is the step by step outline of how I will become richer than in my wildest dreams.
STEP 1: FIND AN EVENT
- This is the first and most important step. I have to find out where a liberal or conservative public event is happening. Without a politically charged event, this plan is kaput.
STEP 2: CREATE A FAKE CONTROVERSY
- Here is where I separate myself from the idiots who actually create controversies. I just lie and say I did something to “expose a racist” or “own a lib”. I don’t have to actually do it. People on the internet are so stupid. The people commenting on the plow driver post aren’t even from the same STATE as where the incident happened and they are willing to give this person money like they saved their child from leprosy. Just to be clear, I will be lying to people about this actually happening. In no way, shape, or form will I get my fat ass out of bed to make a counter-political statement.
STEP 3: CREATE GO FUND ME
- Business 101: Have a way to monetize.
STEP 4: LOSE MY JOB AKA: LIE AGAIN
- Obviously, just doing something wont bring in any money. But, you can generate sympathy by saying you lost your job because of your controversy (which is also a lie). People on the internet love giving money to people who act like assholes then have to deal with real world consequences. For example, the Vans employee who told a 14-year old kid wearing a MAGA hat to fuck off and was fired. Whether you agree politically or not doesn’t matter, if you tell a customer that and you aren’t the boss, you will be fired. But guess what? There was a Go Fund Me set up for him. The main formula here is Act Like an Ass+ (Job Acquisitions *-1)= Money from a Go Fund Me. Much like the controversy, this is not real. It is all a lie.
STEP 5: GET A GRASS ROOTS POLITICAL ACCOUNT TO SHARE STORY
- Again, I cant stress this enough, people on the internet are stupid. People who aren’t famous but have large follower accounts just because they write sassy political tweets may be the dumbest of the bunch. All I would need is for them to retweet the link to my Go Fund Me and then I watch the dollars roll in. Again, this would be a Go Fund Me set up for a FAKE person, doing a FAKE political stunt, and losing their FAKE job, but the money would go into MY bank account. Here in lies the beauty of the plan. People who run and follow these accounts will do ANYTHING to feel righteous and justified in their beliefs. That includes encouraging or positively reinforcing behavior that they agree with. The political climate is so radically charged that people wont even research anything. “Oh, some asshole was acting like an asshole and lost their job? But, they also agree with me politically? I will stick it to the other side of the aisle by giving a stranger money!”. I’m not saying everyone is stupid in a vacuum (I am), but today’s politics have people so blinded that they throw all rationality out the window.
STEP 6: REPEAT UNTIL I CAN RETIRE
- No one is going to fact check this shit. I figure I can do about 12 of these a year and if I get about $10,000/controversy, I should be able to bank about $600,000 by the end of the Trump era (assuming he gets re-elected). But, I think the political radicalism will extend to one more president after Trump. So, I should be able to retire by 2034 with around $1.5 million in my nice little nest egg. If a few things break my way in both the market and in how much people are willing to give to stupid causes, I could possibly retire before 2030. Its a lofty goal, but I believe in the stupidity of the internet. It hasn’t failed me yet.
So, the discussion of Little Debbie snacks broke out at work the other day. Obviously, everyone had their opinions on which snacks were better than others. Even more obviously, most of their opinions were wrong. I couldn’t include EVERY single thing Little Debbie makes in that magical kitchen of hers, but I decided to rank the 10 snacks you will find at almost every gas station. Here is the definitive Little Debbie snack rankings:
10. Fudge Round
What the fuck are these things? They are like Oatmeal Creme Pie’s drug addicted cousin that lives in a trailer park and only comes around when it needs money and always has random scabs and bruises. It is supposed to be fudge-y and creamy. Not only is it not tasty, but there are other LD snacks that satisfy those tastes so much better. This is the only bad snack on the list.
9. Apple Pie
Pretty straight forward. LD doesn’t do fruit pies extraordinarily well. Any fast food chain has a pie that is better than this, but in a pinch, it works.
8. Powdered Sugar Donuts
Much like the apple pie, there isn’t a whole lot to dive in to here. They are pretty good donuts for a really good price. Powdered sugar are the best kind of mini donuts, don’t come at me with that chocolate dipped shit.
7. Brownie w/ Nuts
The first snack on the list where Little Debbie starts to put its products ahead of the pack. The brownie is the base and the highlight of this snack. Dense and fudge-y, the brownie is contrasted nicely with the crunch and saltiness of the walnuts.
6. Zebra Cakes
Zebra Cakes are an overload of sugar. From the frosting on the outside to the cream on the inside, everything is super sweet. Not to say that’s a bad thing. I love a single Zebra Cake. The fact the you can only eat one, without making your stomach feel likes its getting punched by prime Tyson, knocks it down a few spots in the rankings.
5. Nutty Buddy
Chocolate, peanut butter, wafers. No extra bells and whistles here. It has three simple things, but it does those things REALLY REALLY well.
4. Cosmic Brownie
Now we enter the Mt.Rushmore of Little Debbie snacks. These next four are the best of the brand and in a different tier of elite. Laughing down upon all the other lowly snacks. The first to laugh is the Cosmic Brownie. A staple in both soccer snack and American culture. This brownie improves upon its lame cousin, the Fudge Brownie with Walnuts. It took the best parts (the brownie) and improved upon the weak parts (replacing nuts with candied chocolates). Rock solid from top to bottom, you can never go wrong with the Cosmic Brownie.
3. Swiss Roll
The Swiss Roll is great right off the shelves, that’s why it is in the top 4 of the rankings. The real value comes when they come out of the freezer. When frozen, a Swiss Roll is like a mini ice cream cake. The cream and cake is obviously a time tested classic. But, the hard chocolate outside is what puts this snack ahead of the rest.
2. Star Crunch
Underappreciated and under-consumed, the Star Crunch brings nothing but delight with every bite. The chocolate, caramel, and crisp rice combination is really only utilized in a 100 Grand bar. Star Crunch is exactly like a 100 Grand Bar only bigger and tastier. The fact you have the wrapper as a mini glove to protect your hand from chocolate is a HUGE bonus for this. But, wrapper or not, the Star Crunch is strong enough to be in the top 2.
1. Oatmeal Creme Pie
The cream of the crop. The tip of the top on the tower of power. “YOU DOWN WITH OCP? YEA YOU KNOW ME!”. There are endless ways to say how great the Oatmeal Creme Pie is, but the best way to do so is to shame people who don’t think its #1 in the rankings. The soft oatmeal cookie with the rich creme is basically heaven in a plastic wrap. If you took an OCP back to the Greeks and Romans, they would denounce all the Gods they had previously worshiped and build shrines to both you and the 50 cent pastry you time traveled with. Not only is the original so good, Little Debbie went and made the Big Pack OCPs. More cookie and more creme. WOWZA! I can fall in love with almost any of the snacks on this list, but only one has my heart. Here’s to you, Oatmeal Creme Pie. May you live a long and prosperous life. May you continue to bring delight and joy to future generations. May you never be expelled from gas stations and convenience stores around the nation. Amen.
I have a question for the teams in the East that are vying for a playoff spot. Would you rather get kicked in the nuts by a bull or play the Pistons? I don’t want to say the Pistons are the best team in the East right now, buttttttttttttt only two teams have longer win streaks than them (4 in a row). The Griffin and Drummond combo is clicking ever since Andre came out of concussion protocol. Thon Maker may be a god in human form (possibly a premature exclamation). Wayne Ellington is certainly a basketball player. Reggie Jackson doesn’t stink anymore. Luke Kennard is officially NOT a bust. I could go on and on about how the Pistons should strike fear into every living basketball franchise on the planet, but if I waxed any more poetic, the rest of the East may just fold and give the Conference Crown to Detroit right now. What sort of fun would that be?
In all honesty, the Pistons making a run at the playoffs is the right move over tanking. Outside of Zion, I am not sure if there is a player more likely to change a franchise than to bust. The Pistons are so far out of the number one pick (and have too much talent to be the worst team) that tanking for the number 9 pick is so much worse than trying for a playoff spot. The Knicks have lost 17 in a row! There is no way Detroit could suck that bad. As for the draft? You just have to hope the new Pistons front office can find value in wherever they are picking. They havent had a chance yet to draft int he first round so you cant trust or distrust them, but their second round picks (Brown and Thomas) have proved worthy picks, especially Bruce Brown.
If the Pistons make playoffs, I don’t expect them to win a playoff series but I would be pretty disappointed if they didnt win a game. Especially considering that a LeBron led team is out of the question for a first round match-up. Obviously, these expectations are hinged on the fact that they make the playoffs. If the Pistons dont make the playoffs this will be the most disappoint season in a while. So, lets not think about that until later in the season, ok?
Happy Birthday JBob
As anyone who follows college basketball knows, Michigan and Michigan State are a couple of the top teams in the country. As of now (Jan. 9th) the Wolverines are ranked 2nd in the nation and the Spartans are ranked 6th. Obviously, nobody expected Michigan to be as good as they are after graduating/losing their three best players in MAAR, Duncan Robinson, and Mo Wagner. Michigan State is doing their typical Michigan State thing where they are really good in November, December, and January. While these early months don’t really mean a whole lot in the grand scheme of things, they can produce some pretty fun and exciting match-ups. With that said, here lies my issue.
Michigan is undefeated and Michigan State only has two losses. Both are firmly in the top ten in the nation. Both are playing great ball right now. Both are the top two favorites to win the B1G Ten. Both have players who are competing not just as a team, but as individuals i.e. Winston vs Simpson. Wouldn’t it make sense for the B1G Ten to schedule one of the games between U of M and MSU earlier than FEBRUARY 24TH?!?!?!?! But Dalton, how would the B1G Ten know that both of these teams would be in the top ten? That is a fair point, loyal reader, but still a stupid argument. Michigan vs Michigan State has been the B1G Ten’s best basketball rivalry for about five years. The B1G Ten could always garner national attention with a January match-up between these two. It just doesn’t make sense to make both games two of the final four games of the B1G Ten season. They also couldn’t be COMPLETELY blindsided that Michigan and Michigan State are both really good. Izzo always has MSU humming in the basketball months that dont matter and Michigan is coming off of an NCAA Championship appearance. Yea, they lost their top players but you would think they would at least be a top 25 team. By waiting for these games towards the end of the season, the B1G Ten takes money out of their own pockets. If MSU and Michigan played tomorrow, it would probably be the highest rated college basketball game of the season thus far. Say both teams get roughed up a little bit in conference play, something that is totally possible. Now, instead of undefeated #2 vs 14-2 #6, that match up might be #18 vs #15. It is just idiotic what the B1G Ten is doing.
Obviously, the B1G Ten being shitty at their job isn’t anything new. College athletic governing boards have made billions of mistakes in the past and will probably make millions of mistakes by the end of this week. But this error of back loading games hurts not only themselves and their respective universities, it hurts fans of basketball everywhere.
I’m sure that by now, you know that Jim Bob Cooter was not brought back as the offensive coordinator for the Lions. What a weird tenure as OC he had, right? When Lombardi was fired, JBC was a breath of fresh air. Then, he absolutely lit it up the next season. His second full season as OC was alright. In his third and most recent season, he was awful. It was certainly time for change. Obviously, injuries and scheme changes played a big factor in what/how JBC called a game, but it was clear that he cant work in the Patricia system. I know JBC is highly thought of through out the league and I can guarantee he will have another OC job by 2021.
There are a lot of names out there to fill in the Lions OC vacancy. Adam Gase is the ideal hire but I HIGHLY doubt the Lions will be able to get him. He is already getting interviews for head coaching positions and should get one considering how many positions are open. The only way I see Gase coming to Detroit is if he thinks to himself that he cant succeed at the OC. Even then its a long shot because, after the year Stafford had, there area few more enticing OC jobs available. There are a few other names in the mix, a few Rams assistants, an in-house name, and a couple retreads. All of those names are irrelevant.
The next Offensive Coordinator for the Lions is going to be Charlie Weis. It just seems too perfect with all of his connections to Patricia and Quinn. It also seems like a very Lions thing to hire a coach who hasnt coached football in 5 years and coached in the NFL in 9. Do I think Weis is the right move? Not at all. Will I be intrigued to see ol’ Chucky Dub back on the sidelines? You betcha. The man is a character in every sense of the word. From being huge to having a parrot that attacks his house guests, the man is football guy through and through. I really don’t think a Charlie Weis hire will help the Lions but considering how poorly Patricia’s first year went, I’m not sold that the Lions are set up for future success. Again, I dont want the Lions to hire Weis, I’m just ready for it.
Back when I was writing for WCBN, I did an end of year media awards blog. Well, it popped up in my Facebook memories today and inspired me to write another. But Dalton, aren’t you at work? Yes, but its that weird week in between Christmas and New Years where nothing really gets done. This one will be a little more in depth than my previous one, probably because I care a little more and have consumed more media.
*Obviously there are some HUGE names I am leaving off of this list (Avengers, Star is Born, Black Panther, etc.) but I never a. got around to seeing them or b. Not a huge fan of comic book movies/am so far behind on them that it would be a disservice for me to watch them now.
- Isle of Dogs– A classic Wes Anderson film through and through. From the stop animation, similar to that of Fantastic Mr.Fox, to the constantly dry humor. A cute and touching story about a boy going and finding his dog. What is not to love about that? All the big names in the movie certainly delivered on their voice acting. When the biggest gripe with Hollywood is that its all remakes, this was an invigorating breath of fresh air.
- Into the Spider Verse-While I said I am not a huge fan of comic book movies, this one completely blew me away. It was a refreshing take on the played out Spider-Man story. It was cute, funny, and 100% self-aware. For example, they introduce many Spider-People into this movie and each time they show the origin story, they make some comment about how “we’ve all heard this story before”. This movie took a story line that looked to be dead and pumped new life into it. I’m not saying I would like a second movie in this series, but I am saying this is my favorite comic book movie of all time.
- Death of Stalin– Death of Stalin was a phenomenal film with a lot of nuanced, dark comedy that a lot of people didn’t expect. It wasn’t advertised that much or shown in many theaters nationwide. I was luck enough to see it in its last week of running. If you get the chance to buy/stream it, you have to do so.
- The Ballad of Buster Scruggs– Netflix release movies typically scare me away, but this Cohen Brothers film bought Netflix a little more credibility. The fact that this movie was so unconventional is what made it so great. Instead of a normal movie where there is a main story line surrounded with B and C plots through out the entire film, this movie was a collection of five individual stories that had no connection to each other. Setting it in the Wild West was a great way to touch on the different types characters you would come across that the Silver Screen doesn’t really pay homage to. Because of the ‘five individual story’ structure, it is one of the easiest movies of the year to watch.
- Bad Times at the El Royale– The big cast (Bridges, Hamm, Hemsworth) certainly delivered in this murder-mystery thriller. But it was the lesser known names that stole the show. Lewis Pullman’s performance as Miles Miller, the bell boy/concierge at the El Royale was phenomenal. Portraying the innocent boy who knows too much, his character was the whipped cream and cherry on an already delicious movie. The movie is a little long and can drag at times, but the “You don’t really know who anybody is” aspect of the film keeps you engaged for its entirety.
WINNER: ISLE OF DOGS
*I know that most of these songs are rap and a lot of my followers will ask where the Greta Van Fleet is. GVF is good. I like them, but they didnt put out anything in 2018 that was “Song of the Year” good. So get off my back.
- Mo Bamba by Shek Wes: The anthem of college kids across the nation. It is simple, the words are easy to figure out, and anytime drunk people can scream three consecutive obscenities in public, the song will pick up a lot of steam. Also Mo Bamba being a good basketball player has helped. Underrated part about this song is that Shek Wes filmed it while in a walking boot and on an Amigo scooter.
- High by Young Thug ft Elton John: The first 500 times I listened to this song, I wept uncontrollably. Its like Thug, Sir Elton, and Jesus sat down in a studio and decided to give this world the most important piece of media since the Ten Commandments. If you haven’t listened to this song yet, I’m jealous that you get to experience it for a first time.
- Rats by Ghost: This radio friendly rocker from the Satan-worshiping metal band is catch as all get out. Ghost would probably be my band of the year if I had that category. Their new album “Prequelle” was strong from front to back and “Rats” is the crowned juul (trying to get my SEO up). My Dad always told me that a metal song is all about the riff and “Rats” certainly delivers. From ground and pound melodies to mind melting solos, this heavy rocker takes back seat to nobody.
- Nice for What by Drake: Undeniably the King of Main Stream Rap right now, Drake’s newest album “Scorpion” delivered hits on hits on hits. “God’s Plan” got all of the social media hype with the tear-inducing music video and meme culture. “In My Feelings” got massive numbers because of the Shiggy Challenge that was inescapable on Instagram. But “Nice for What” is the most fun, dance-able, singable, and listenable song off of the 2018 project from Aubrey.
- The Middle by Maren Morris, Zedd, and Grey: So, so catchy. This dance hit combines all the features of a modern pop song. Strong vocals, fun bass/beat drops, and high energy. It was played at least 2x at every house party or bar I went to in the summer. Not the greatest song of all time, but I would be doing it a huge disservice to leave it off of this list.
WINNER: HIGH BY YOUNG THUG FT. ELTON JOHN
BEST TV SHOW*
*I don’t watch Game of Thrones. I’ve been planning to since last April.
- Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 13: The ASIP cast delivered again. While there were a couple of duds in this season, there were just as many all-time classic moments. It was great that Dennis (my favorite character) is back to his maniacal ways, Frank is as crazy and depraved as ever, Mac fully embraced his gay character, Charlie is Charlie, and Dee still doesn’t get an ounce of respect. A very self-aware season where they poked fun at the TV industry, society, and themselves.
- Big Mouth, Season 2: From the weird mind of Nick Kroll, Big Mouth was the most outrageous show I’ve seen in a very long time. Continuing to follow a group of kids through puberty, it is every bit as awkward and hilarious as it is raunchy and adoring. The best addition to this season was Nick’s personal Hormone Monster. Weird, decrepit, and a total failure. “You’re the man Steve!”
- American Vandal, Season 2: Crushed the entire season in one sitting while out in San Francisco with some friends. Not as funny as the first season, but the main story and the plot twists were just as captivating. Again, they perfected the mock-umentary and I will be sure to watch Season 3 (if there is one)
- South Park, Season 22: One of South Park’s better seasons in a while. I’m not sure what the critical reception is, but anytime they can put in an entire episode about Catholic priests, count me in. They also brought back Al Gore and ManBearPig (MBP) in a couple of episodes. The biggest thing I got out of this season is that Al Gore’s life mentor was Al Gore.
- Better Call Saul, Season 4: For those of us who has stuck with Saul through the first three seasons, we were rewarded BIG TIME. This season really dives into the character of Jimmy McGill and you see more and more cross over with Breaking Bad. I don’t want to spoil too much of it in case there is someone who has been meaning to watch the series. The first few seasons were slow, but this last season was just as good, if not better, than the best seasons of Breaking Bad.
WINNER: BETTER CALL SAUL, SEASON 4
BEST VIDEO GAME*
* I don’t have a PlayStation or a Switch but I’ve heard really really good things about God of War and Smash Bros.
- Red Dead Redemption 2– In the much anticipated release to the sequel to Red Dead Redemption, RDR2 doesn’t disappoint in the slightest. In fact, it may be the only game that had exceeded already sky-high expectations. The graphics were absolutely phenomenal. It was the first game that was built for consoles with enhanced graphic capabilities. Ever minor detail was accounted for. The game play was even more in-depth than the visuals. From the horse relationship mechanics to the way you could interact with local towns folk. RDR2 didn’t just give us a rehash of its predecessor, it took what made it great (story line, endearing characters, rarely touched upon genre) and built upon. Not too often does a video game sequel deliver on this level.
- Fortnite- I know that this game technically came out in 2017, but it didn’t become what it is today until early 2018. I’m sure most people understand the gist of what Fortnite is and how its played. But some many people don’t understand what makes it so fun. Simply put, it is the multiplayer aspect. Squading up with your friends and taking on 96 other people is both challenging and exhilarating. Pair that in with the fact that no two games are exactly the same and it is 100% free to play, and you have yourself a smash hit. Obviously, people buy different character skins and dances to help personalize the experience, but they offer no competitive advantage. All you need is a console, an online membership, and some friends for a good time.
- Far Cry V- Before this game, I was never really into the Far Cry series. But, when my brother told me it was about a cult in Montana, I was hooked. It was a very open world game with a lot of side missions and mindless activities that helped enhance the game play. The story line was engaging and the weaponry was very fun. From guns like a shovel launcher (exactly what it sounds like) to a variety of assault rifles, the guns in this game added another level of enjoyment. Not as in depth as RDR2 but for this game, that is a good thing. They kept it complexly simple and delivered an absolutely outstanding game.
I’m ready to talk about Michigan football after giving it almost 10 days to marinate about what happened in Columbus. It was ugly, it was disappointing, it was embarrassing, and it wasn’t fun. It officially killed everything that Michigan football wants to be. They are no longer my father’s Michigan. National Title aspirations can never be the hope again. This loss officially confirmed that we are now the Wisconsin or Iowa of the B1G Ten East. We should aim for a B1G Championship appearance and the Rose Bowl. From here on out it would be foolish to have a “CFP or Bust” mentality as long as the last game of the year is against Ohio State. Some of my fellow Michigan fans will disagree with me. I want to be with them. I want to think there is a chance every season to make some national noise simply because “We are Michigan Football, 11 time National Champions”. Well, the last title came in the 90’s and since the turn of the century Michigan has only beaten Ohio State three (3) times. If they couldn’t beat them this year, I honestly don’t know what it would take to beat them. Ohio State has our number. Harbaugh isn’t great against rivals. Those are just facts. Cant argue with them. As for what happened a couple Saturdays ago, there is plenty of blame to go around.
Obviously the defense was the most shocking part of the failed venture into The Horseshoe. I saw plenty of scenarios where Michigan could lose the game, but the defense having the worst performance in Michigan Football history was not one of them. Giving up 62 points seemed impossible the way the Michigan defense had played under Brown the last 2 seasons. To me, it all started with the defensive line. That has been the strong point and calling card of the Michigan defense. When Gary, Winovich, and the rest of the crew were neutralized at the line of scrimmage, the rest of the team was exposed. Especially corner back Brandon Watson. If he played horribly, that would have been an upgrade over the performance that was turned in. The linebackers were constantly being burnt on running back wheel routes and, as mentioned in the preview by me, the secondary just simply wasn’t fast enough to keep up with the OSU wide outs. I thought that the secondary would be able to hold their own because I thought that Michigan had a superior advantage in the trenches. I was wrong, the defense was torched, and my hope for the future was lost.
The offense was not blameless. Despite putting up 39 points, the offense failed every time they were needed. Deep into the 3rd quarter it was an 8-point game and the defense had come up with multiple stops. An offensive score there potentially changes the story of the game. Gentry is the first player that comes to mind when thinking of the offensive ineptitude. He dropped a sure fire touchdown and a few big first down opportunities. Higdon was exposed for not being fast, Evans was exposed as not being strong (even though he would have given the running game the best chance that day, in my opinion), the offensive line was porous, and Shea proved to many that he is not ready for the NFL. The players under performed, but that wasn’t my biggest issue with the offense.
Now we are on to the coaching staff. Don Brown failed to adjust his game plan for what seemed like the first time in his tenure as DC. But, despite having a historically horrific day, I give him a pass. Not a pass for the game, but a pass for the future. I truly believe he will make the right adjustments going forward and wont be caught like he was that fateful Saturday ever again. Jim Harbaugh and the offensive coaching staff is a completely different story. Let me get this out there now, I do NOT want Michigan and Jim Harbaugh to separate paths. I think Jim is the best possible guy for the situation. That being said, RUN AN OFFENSE THAT IS NEWER THAN 1984. The game plan for this years’ game was absolutely pathetic. We continued to try and pound the rock, run play action, and huddle up despite being down two scores in the 4th quarter. The correct game plan against Ohio State’s defense was to go down field, something we never attempted to do, and to use speed, another thing we never attempted to do. Why were there no plays designed to get the ball into the hands of Tarik Black? Maryland scored 52 points basically running jet sweeps and Hail Marys and we didn’t attempt one of those. The ground and pound offense works against the Purdues and Marylands of the B1G Ten. Not against Ohio. Why was the game plan for the biggest game in the last 12 years of Michigan football the exact same as when Michigan won the National Title in 1948? No creativity and inside the box thinking lead to another ass-whooping at the hands of Ohio State. I don’t know why, but I honestly thought that Harbaugh and Pep Hamilton (Maryland, please hire him) would look at what had worked against OSU all year and done something remotely similar to that. Don’t try to tell me that Michigan doesn’t have the athletes to do it. Don’t lie to yourself and think that Michigan doesn’t have the players to do it but Purdue and Maryland do. I understand the game plan of clock control, wearing them down, and having that pay dividends in the 4th quarter. But, when you find yourself in the middle of a shoot out, set down your hammer, pick up a gun, and give it hell. The one exciting drive Michigan had in the second half led to their only score that really mattered. The worst part about it is that the two games against OSU previous, I thought the coaching staff did an excellent job at game planning and that they just didn’t have the players to execute on offense. This year though, I’m not even sure if the coaching staff put together a game plan.
Its just sickening to see such an amazing season thrown away. 10-2 with a New Years 6 bowl is a great season any other year. But when you go in to the last game of the season against your bitter rival, with not only a B1G Ten Championship on the line, but also a College Football Playoff berth on the line, a NY6 bowl is a pretty shitty consolation prize. Now, I do want Michigan to beat Florida in the Peach Bowl. I would never want them to lose a game. It is just going to be tough to feel excited for it.